Addendum to Retrosexual Code: Reality Check

RetrosexualsI recently stumbled across a web page from “Radical Conservative” (an anonymous blogger who apparently lives to bash people who don’t believe as he (she?) does) called Retrosexual Code.

The Code is full of so many tired stereotypes that I can’t help but feel sorry for the person who wrote it. I’m going to help out by adding to it, so that it might begin to have some sort of cohesiveness to it.

Reality Check: Addendum to Retrosexual Code

  • Item 4: “A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.” Add sub item 4a: “Going through the drivethru at McDonald’s is now considered ‘killing’.”
  • Item 8: “A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.” Add sub item 8a: “Movies and video games count toward combat training. Anyone who doesn’t believe in your bad-ass-ness can see your high scores for proof.”
  • Item 14: “A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as… favorite sports team being moved to a different city.” Add sub item 14a: “Professional help may include Dr. Bud Wiser and counselor Jack Daniels, or purchasing team apparel through the internet.”
  • Item 15: “A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.” Add sub item 15a: “Men who use the terms ‘outfit’ and ‘wardrobe’ when referring to their clothing will be considered prey.”
  • Item 19: “A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.” Add sub item 19a: “Owning a gun automatically makes you a bad-ass. And a target.”
  • Item 23: “A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.” Add sub item 23a: “Masturbating with the flag will help you feel more patriotic.”
  • Item 24: “A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.” Add sub item 24a: “Also acceptable: Public nose-picking, crotch-scratching, and toenail pruning. Extra points for nose and ear hair over 1/2 inch long.”
  • Item 31: “A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract – a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.” Add sub item 31a: “Unless it’s about money or business. Then you’ll want bulletproof legal documents and a lawyer who can sue the hell out of the other guy. And it’s always the other guy’s fault.”

Additional Retrosexual Code guidelines:

  • A Retrosexual knows that a large belly comes from being a lazy wuss and eating too much crap, but is too cool to change his habits. He also believes women find it sexy.
  • A Retrosexual believes liberals are always wrong.
  • A Retrosexual is controlled remotely, through his phone. Higher level Retrosexuals can be identified by an electronic earpiece stuck to their head.
  • A Retrosexual is also controlled by his gonads, hence the popularity of Hooters, magazine swimsuit editions, strip clubs, professional wrestling and cable TV.
  • A Retrosexual believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.
  • A Retrosexual always needs someone else to define manliness for him. A Retrosexual avoids reading anything contrary to the Retrosexual code, and never thinks for himself.
  • A Retrosexual honestly believes he has some influence on his sports team’s performance.

If you want to see the original in its entirety: Retrosexual Code (no commenting is available on the site).

Image: Elsie esq. at Flickr

Derek Markham

Things I dig include: simple living, natural fatherhood, attachment parenting, natural building, unassisted childbirth (homebirth), bicycles, permaculture, organic and biodynamic gardening, vegan peanut butter cookies with chocolate chips, bouldering, and the blues. Find me elsewhere at @NaturalPapa, @DerekMarkham, Google+, or RebelMouse.

7 thoughts on “Addendum to Retrosexual Code: Reality Check

  • April 12, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    this is amazing…too bad there is no way to pass this along to Radical Conservative…the one about having hobbies and habits the women in his life don’t understand really gets me. in a real healthy relationship you find the things you love to do together. it’s good to have your own interests and to do your own things here and there, but it’s better to explain to things they don’t understand…it’s called communication and is usually the best thing for any relationship! (also the one about contracts brings to mind Jerry Maguire…no contract needed there, right? word is as strong as oak i think he says…)
    .-= Taylen´s last blog ..Could PG&E’s New Rate Structure Stall California Solar Market? =-.

  • April 12, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Wow, that’s so incredibly over-the-top. Your addendum to #23 had me rolling. 🙂 Thanks for the post, and for bringing this page to our attention!
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..The U.S. Military Terrorizes =-.

  • April 12, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Too Funny!

    I love your addendums.

    I wish these rules were a little less gender specific and chauvenistic, as some of them are good rules … just phrased badly. I teach ALL my kids that paying for an outing is a good way to impress your date, that opening doors for people is simply a polite thing to do, and that knowing how to use some basic tools will pay off in the long run. It has nothing to do with sex … it’s basic living skills male or female!

    I went and read some of the other conservative posts … the sheer bile coming through that website was incredible. Why couldn’t (s)he channel that energy towards something more positive? It may be good for an occasional laugh, but mostly I find it sad!
    .-= goofdad´s last blog ..Details on Hunter =-.

  • November 17, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    I find it funny that because one person, namely Radical Conservative, was bashing liberals, you felt the need to bash all conservatives, making yourself no better than Radical Conservative.

    • November 17, 2010 at 11:10 pm

      I find it even funnier that you think I’m bashing all conservatives…

      The only thing that might be attributed to that is this line that I wrote: “A Retrosexual believes liberals are always wrong.” which names liberals, but not conservatives.
      What I am bashing is the dogmatic bullshit from the site of a self-professed Conservative (with a capital C). I don’t see how any of the things I ‘added’ could be interpreted as bashing all conservatives.

      And no, I’m not any better than RC. Just different. Which is why we each have our own site.


  • January 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    This is very interesting, You are a very skilled blogger. I’ve joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your great post. Also, I have shared your web site in my social networks!


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