Natural Papa » parenting

Two-fer Tuesday: Bullies and When Mom’s Away

Derek Markham — Tue, 18 May 2010 15:42:33 +0000

For this week’s Two-fer Tuesday, a couple of dads sound off on two separate topics: bullies, and when mom’s away. They’re both worth a read, and a comment if you feel so moved.

From Clark Kent’s Lunchbox:

“I was talking to my oldest son, Noah, on the phone the other night when he changed the subject with, ”Hey, Dad, guess you didn’t hear the news.” Indeed I had not, and knowing my son, whatever he was about to share with me could range from his completing a new level on a video game, to a little known fact concerning the history of Chechnya.

“A kid in my class brought a knife to school today,” he said with a surprising amount of nonchalance.”

From The Good Men Project:

“In Theory: Don’t play the “Mom’s Away” Card. Dad taking care of the kids when mom is out of town should be a non-event. Because dads are now equal co-parents, it would be absurd and demeaning for a dad to ask for some kind of accommodation or special consideration just because mom is out of town.

In Practice: Overheard within twelve hours of mom’s departure — “You see, coach, My Wife Is Out of Town, so I couldn’t find Ri-ri’s soccer uniform. Or her water. Or her ball.”

Two-fer Tuesday: The Revolution and Baby Burritos

Derek Markham — Tue, 04 May 2010 15:46:12 +0000

My apologies for missing a week of posts, including Two-fer Tuesdays, last week. Natural Papa was hit not once, but twice, by hackers, and it was a major deal to clean all of the code out of the site. (If you’re on GoDaddy hosting, you might want to check yours as well. See this post and this one for more info.)

And now for the good stuff!

From Cutemonster on BetterWayMoms: The Revolution Begins from Within

“Stress laden thoughts, sleepless nights, irrational fears and more can all be attributed to the enormous change an expectant father must attempt to grasp in a small window of time. Yet similar to every revolution, one moment in history can be traced to the life changing catalyst that sparked the call to action. For most Dads I would guess the revolution began not with a bang but rather the soft-spoken words, “Honey, I’m pregnant.” (Insert expectant Dad’s primal scream here.)”

And from Life of Dad: Baby vs. Burrito

Raising Readers

Derek Markham — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 20:32:46 +0000

[This is a guest post from Alison Kerr.]

Reading. It’s the thing that almost everyone recognizes as critical for educational success, but it’s also part mystery. When it comes to raising a kid who is a good reader, or raising reading scores in a school system, we’re left wondering whether anyone has the answers.

How to Raise a Reader

Are sight words or phonics approaches more effective? Which books do kids need? What about training for teachers? Despite the confusion, it’s all really simple when it gets down to how parents can, and do, raise readers.

To raise a reader is elementary. You don’t need your kid to go to the best school. You don’t need a degree in education. You just read aloud to your kids. But then this isn’t exactly news.

The National Reading Panel

Way back in 1985, when today’s young parents were just infants, the National Reading Panel analyzed more than ten thousand research projects and came to the startling conclusion that, “The single most important activity for building the knowledge required for essential success in reading is reading aloud to children.”

Reading According to Jim Trelease

Now I just happen to be a seller of children’s books and you might be excused for thinking that I’m trying to sell a few more books to parents. Don’t take my word for it. I’m writing about this because in July last year I had the pleasure of hearing a presentation by Jim Trelease . In fact Jim was persuaded out of retirement to talk to the group I was part of.

When it comes to reading aloud, Jim Trelease has a lot to say. His book The Read-Aloud Handbook has sold over one million copies. He inspired a reading program as far away as Poland, with over 1,400 schools reading aloud to kids every day. I wish you could hear Jim talk live, but, since you can’t, if you want to know more about what he has to say just go on over to his site Trelease on Reading. Jim has a wealth of information there.

Start Reading Aloud – Don’t Stop

There you have it parents, start reading today and don’t stop. Read to your unborn baby, read to your infant, read to your toddler, read to your preschooler, read to your kid, and even read to your teen. You can even read to your partner, your parent, grandparent, or elderly neighbor. Just don’t stop reading, ever.

Reading is, and should be fun. If it’s not fun, you’re reading the wrong stuff. And if you want some help on what to read, I have some ideas about how to choose books.

[Alison Kerr lives in Eastern Kansas with her two teens, two cats, and her cowboy-hat-toting husband. She plants vegetables, devours books, homeschools, dines with her family, hikes Kansas prairie fields in the heat of summer, cools off in creeks, and invites nature into her garden. Alison encourages reading as well as sharing about nature, gardening, and sustainability through her writing at Loving Nature's Garden.]

Image: rankun76 at Flickr

Two-fer Tuesday: Cosleeping and Homemade Music

Derek Markham — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:01:18 +0000

For this week’s Two-fer, I’ve got a couple of posts you might want to not only read, but to bookmark for future reference and to pass on to your friends.

The first one is about cosleeping (and why babies should not sleep alone), and the second is a great one for homeschoolers and DIY folks who want to make their own music.

From Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives: Why Human Babies Do Not and Should Not Sleep Alone:

“Where a baby sleeps is not as simple as current medical discourse and recommendations against cosleeping in some western societies want it to be. And there is good reason why. I write here to explain why the pediatric recommendations on forms of cosleeping such as bedsharing will and should remain mixed. I will also address why the majority of new parents practice intermittent bedsharing despite governmental and medical warnings against it.”

Agree? Disagree? Leave the author a comment!

And from my friends at Planet Green, Handmade Music: Make Your Own Instruments From Scratch:

“Creating your own music is like growing your own food. Those who play music, play for sustenance. Musicians are driven by an inner desire to create. Often, it is this innate craftiness that leads music makers to improve upon their instruments and evolve their craft.”

There’s 5 DIY musical instruments from upcycled and recycled materials in that post, and they look like great homeschool projects – or maybe just for dad and mom to jam out with!

Image: Randy Son of Robert at Flickr

Two-fer Tuesday: Circumcising Your Daughter, and the Optimal Number of Kids

Derek Markham — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:31:19 +0000

Because there are so many other writers, both dads and moms, writing about great parenting topics each week, I thought I’d start sharing two links to ‘must-read’ articles each Tuesday (hence the name Two-fer Tuesday).

This week, we’ll take a look at what it would be like to consider circumcision for your daughter, and then we’ll show you how to figure out the optimal number of children for you.

From Woman Uncensored, things that make you go hmm:

“I was talking with a guy friend of mine who’d recently had his first child: a perfect baby girl. He chatted happily about the joys of being a new parent, and then mentioned an upcoming appointment. “Oh, just a usual checkup?” I asked casually. “No, its time for her snip-snip” he replied, equally casually. I was confused. “You know, her circumcision of course”, my friend clarified. Oh, right… that. I asked how he and his wife had come to the decision to have the procedure done on their daughter. Now it was my friend’s turn to look confused. “Well, everyone does it, don’t they?”. “Far from it, actually.” I replied. “But I’m interested in your reasons, so go on”. And he did.”

Now, that post will make you think a bit before making the decision to circumcise your boys…

And from the Parenting Pit, some help deciding how many kids to have:

“Sick of the dilemma? Not sure whether to pass on the baby clothes yet? Finally here at the Parenting Pit we have established a scientific, fool proof method of determining how many children you should have.”

You’ll simply determine what to use for variables, and then plug them into this equation:

Simple, ain’t it?

Image: Randy Son of Robert at Flickr

Tiny Commitments: A Daily Dad Schedule

Derek Markham — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 22:02:35 +0000

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been noticing the tendency in myself to easily make time for a quick phone call or email during my day if it’s work related, but a reluctance to be able to fit in some of the more important things every day, such as really connecting with my wife and children one-on-one.

It might be a guy thing, or maybe it’s just me, but I can often devote an hour to reading something of interest to me professionally, but have a hard time stopping to get down on the ground and rough-house with the kids.

My priorities needed to change – sure, work is important, but if I’m not close to my family, it’s for nothing, as I truly see my family as the greatest value in my life.

Our family has been working on the idea of ‘family dates’, where my oldest daughter will go somewhere just with mama, and our younger will do something with me, or the other way around. That’s been good, but they haven’t happened often enough to be a regular thing. I’d like to make connecting with each member of my family a regular daily item.

We’re good at making bigger plans – next week we go to this event, or next month we’ll do this family activity, but those types of plans don’t happen frequently enough for us, or we think that we’ll get some good family when it happens and we don’t focus on it in the mean-time.

Making Tiny Commitments

I realize that it’s so easy for me to be schedule-oriented when it comes to work commitments, so I am beginning to actually schedule some tiny daily commitments to my favorite people, so that it happens. I’m making a note on my daily scheduler (Google Calendar) for each of my kids and for my wife, with a reminder to do something meaningful with them each day. It doesn’t have to be a regularly scheduled time each day, as my day is flexible, but it may evolve into that.

The types of things we do together can be whatever they may want to do with me – as long as I’m dedicated to spending that time with them, we can do just about anything, so that they are really in control of the time with me.

My tiny commitments are separate from any of my other regular household commitments, such as washing clothes or dishes, and I’m starting small – 15 minutes. It’s only a quarter of an hour, but it is a quarter of an hour when I am completely present with them – no phone, no interruptions, no thinking about the rest of my day. And I’m finding that I need it as much as they do – it fills me up so that I can go on with my day with a light heart.

Keep it Simple and Spontaneous

Recently I spent some great one-on-one time with my 4YO, and she led the whole thing. We got down close to the ground and spent a long time just examining all the different dried seed pods and flowers that grew in a tiny area. We then stuck them like velcro onto my wool sweater, and talked about the seed connection between animals and plants, and how seeds will hitchhike with us. I know that I learned as much from her as she did from me, and came away with a whole new appreciation for things that I take for granted – the seeds of native plants and weeds in my neighborhood. And our whole ‘date’ was under a half hour long.

If you know that you often go a week without spending any really dedicated time with your kids or your wife, make some tiny daily commitments to them.

You’ll not only make them happy, but your life will get recharged by them as well.

All Work and No Play Makes Dad a Glum Chum

Derek Markham — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 18:56:25 +0000

“Dad is sad.

Very, very sad.

He had a bad day.

What a day dad had!” – Dr. Seuss

Sometimes I feel that way – and then I feel bad for letting it affect how I interact with my kids. If I’m stressed, they can see it. If I’m burned out, it shows.

We forget sometimes, that with the responsibilities of a job and a family comes another task – not so obvious, but just as important: Taking care of yourself.

Dads (and moms) can get way too caught up in the stresses of modern life, and take on the effects of it in our bodies and minds. We need to learn how to blow off steam and clear our heads so that we can be at our best for our loved ones, and not be grumpy old stick-in-the-muds.

I’ve found that one of the easiest ways to burn off stress is to play often. Especially something physically challenging.

It comes easy to kids, but not so much for us adults.

Much of the time, we simply forget to play, or we tell ourselves it’s not a priority. But play is important. If we are only working, and never playing, we’re only experiencing half of life, and by bringing play back into our life, we can discover a whole new side of our self that we haven’t paid any attention to for a long time.

After leaving school and starting to work, I was invited a number of times to come and play on the company softball team, or to join a community sports league, but I always thought that was for old guys, and I didn’t ever join up. I was also innocent enough to think that my body would just naturally stay young and strong, without having to work at it. That was the case up until I hit my early thirties, and then something really shifted for me.

Even though I worked hard, I wasn’t working at a job that was physically taxing, so my body didn’t need to keep up. I started going to a gym, and then changed to work out at a home gym instead, to save money. That helped to keep my fitness up, but it really lacked something: community. When I played sports as a kid, I really enjoyed the camaraderie of the team and the challenge of working together to win the games.

And so the next time someone asked if I was interested in playing on a team, I jumped at the chance. A local indoor sports arena had indoor soccer leagues for men during the winter, and a friend had put together a team to play that season. At first, I wasn’t really too sure about it – after all, I hadn’t played soccer in almost 20 years – but after the first few games, I realized what a positive thing it was in my life. On one night a week, I could go all out, running and kicking and hollering to my teammates, and burn off all of the steam and stress from my job, or from family pressures. I could just go play.

I ended up playing with that team every session during the winter until I moved away, and I didn’t realize how important it was to me until I didn’t have that group of guys to go run around with anymore. But, things have a way of finding you when you need them, and a new friend here has been scheduling a weekly pickup soccer game, so I’ve gotten to add that back into my life again. I also enjoy biking and bouldering, but both of those are solitary experiences for me, and it’s been great to have a group of people to play with on a regular basis.

You really need to add some play back into your life.

If your favorite kind of play is solo – biking or running – then give your friends a call and go for a group run or ride. If there’s a basketball court or field near your home or work, pick a weekday evening and tell all your buddies to invite their friends for a pickup game. I’d bet that after once or twice, you’ll find that most guys would come to a regular weekly game if someone coordinated it.

If you see a sign up sheet for things like community softball, basketball, or soccer, put your name down, pay the fee, and commit to it. Chances are, you’ll be a healthier and happier person because of it. Granted, there are always guys playing in those who are overly competitive, and who get really bent out of shape at a missed play or a lost game, but for the most part, I’ve found a great inclusiveness to the teams I’ve played with. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t the star player, and I got better with every game or practice, so don’t put off joining until you’ve got some serious skills.

I’ve also found that I’ve met a lot of cool people with similar interests through community sports, and I think that it’s a great way to further your personal and professional networks.

Do yourself a favor and play hard and play often. Get your heart rate up, and sweat through your shirt at least once a week. It builds community and makes you a happier dude, err, dad.

Image: Jayel Aheram at Flickr

Why Dads Need to Dig in the Dirt

Guest Author — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 19:13:01 +0000

Dads need to dig in the dirt, to plant trees, to find worms, and to grow low-hanging fruit for their kids. Here’s why.

There’s a really nice dad in my neighborhood. A dad who has the time of day for his kids; he speaks gently – it’s obvious how much he loves and respects them. I’m just sure he’s trying to give them every advantage. Which is why I was sad when I watched him in the garden with his young son one day last fall.

The dad was raking leaves and the little guy was doing his best to help. They were chatting back and forth. That part was good.

Then the dad got out the lawnmower. All of a sudden he couldn’t hear what the little guy had to say any more. The kid was getting under his feet and the dad, of course, was trying to be careful not to hurt him. Then I noticed that the kid had a little plastic lawnmower and he was trying to follow along and do as dad did. But he kept getting in the way. Dad was stopping his gas powered lawn mower over and over again to explain. This just couldn’t last; we all have limited patience.

It got me wondering. How many times is this story repeated weekend after weekend from spring to fall, year upon year, across the country? Isn’t there something better for dads to do in the garden? Something better for kids to see and learn than lawn care with a noisy, hazardous, and polluting lawnmower?

With all the awareness that kids need to spend time outdoors we’ve got to do better. I believe that dads are uniquely placed to mentor their kids. Which kid doesn’t want approval from dad? And gardening is so good for us that there is even garden therapy (called horticultural therapy).

In the garden you can:

1. Grow healthy food.

2. Get fresh air and exercise.

3. Explore the science of plants, animals and microbes.

4. Support native wildlife.

5. Demonstrate safe tool use and teach carpentry skills.

6. Build structures which catch rainwater runoff and prevent pollution and flooding.

7. Mentor a healthy relationship with your kids.

With all these possibilities would you rather your kid learn to walk behind a lawnmower?

Decide to do something different in the garden this year. What is it going to be?

[This is a guest post from Alison Kerr. Alison is an American from Scotland who lives in Eastern Kansas with her two teens, two cats, and her cowboy-hat-toting husband. She plants vegetables, eats home-made soup and freshly baked bread, gives hugs to her family, hikes Kansas prairie fields in the heat of summer, cools off in creeks, admires rocks and trees, watches birds, reads books, and invites nature into her garden. She encourages you to love nature, learn about gardening, and aim for sustainability through her writing at Loving Nature's Garden.]

Image: net_efekt at Flickr

Spanking: Socialized Child Abuse or Discipline?

Derek Markham — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 21:37:28 +0000

The discussions among parents about how we bring up our children tend to be pretty polarized, in my experience. There are those who use the term discipline to describe what they do, and others will propose that we can teach our kids better through showing them the way by our example – by not acting in ways that our children will mimic.

And that includes hitting or spanking. The people who don’t spank have strong feelings about why using pain to teach a child is not right, and those that do spank are equally sure that the way they do it isn’t about pain.

We don’t spank, and are pretty outspoken about it – we believe that touching our kids with intent to harm or inflict pain is not only the antithesis of the love and care we have for them, but would also be teaching them about hitting, instead of an alternative. That’s just how we roll.

I wasn’t spanked as a kid for punishment, but I do remember getting whacked on the butt once in a while – it definitely got my attention, but it also made me resentful. And then I became a dad, and saw the types of challenges that disciplining or teaching kids present, which helped me to understand how people get so frustrated or mad at their kids that they see spanking or smacking as an option. I don’t condone it or justify it, but merely acknowledge that parenting can be frustrating or maddening if we’re trying to get our children to listen or obey and they won’t.

The point in my life that made me realize that I could not hit my kids, even to get their attention, came when my young daughter was going to reach into a cage of pet rats (who weren’t too friendly) to pet them. Before I even thought about it, I reached out and popped her on the head with the flat of my hand, not taking into consideration the ring on my finger. As I connected, I knew it was a mistake, and I could tell that it was really going to hurt her. She did stop reaching for the cage, but the look on her face as she turned to me was one of hurt, distrust, and fear. And I knew that I couldn’t ever justify that type of behavior to myself again – it just wasn’t right.

A post about spanking at Queen of Spain caught my eye this morning, one both pointed and clear, with a title no less blunt than the message: Spankers Can #Suckit. She referenced a study which claimed that kids benefited when they are spanked, and are happier and more successful than those who aren’t.

And then she wrote this paragraph of brilliance:

“I’m guessing hitting your wife can have some benefits too. Keeping her in line, and what not. Hell, I would probably vacuum more often if I thought my husband would hurt me if I didn’t. Smacking your dog around probably has some benefits too, I mean…I bet you that mutt won’t pee on the carpet again if you give him a really good whack! So why not, Jr. too?”

Bravo!

But the real depth to the post comes in the comments, with one woman staunchly defending her spanking, another disagrees and leaves this gem: “When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault and battery. When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. When an adult hits a child we call it….discipline?”

The discussion is diplomatic and very thoughtful, and yet it raises still more questions, such as “If it’s not intended to cause pain or threat, does it still work as discipline? If it is to cause pain, what types of fear are we instilling in them?” and “If you’re just using it to get their attention, does it teach them to hit to get attention?”

Yet another commenter called spanking socialized child abuse, and made it pretty clear where she stood:

“If more people like you would stand up and call bullshit on socialized child abuse, we’d have a lot more confident happy people and a lot fewer bullies and criminals.”

I then looked up the definition of discipline, and found this:

“the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience”.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be physical punishment to be discipline, as there are other ways that kids get punished that isn’t through physical pain. Verbal punishment is often used to discipline, as is the ever popular ‘time-out’ or losing of privileges. We’ve gone the route of that last one, even though it’s still controlling our kids through controlling their stuff or their bodies. It’s a tricky road, but one we feel is better than using a physical or verbal punishment.

We also try to take great care with the words we use when talking to them. If we tell them they’re bad, instead of focusing on the positive behavior we want to see, we may actually be reinforcing the undesirable behavior, and causing them to internalize that message of “I’m bad.” Our reasoning is that we would like to use positive reinforcement and the setting of a good example, rather than the threat of punishment after the fact. It seems to work better for us.

I posted one article earlier about a spanking related study that found negative effects, but I’m sure we’ll see other studies invalidating those studies before long, such as the one linked to at the top of this post. I don’t think that we ought to read too much into these studies, however, as they are limited in their areas of focus and don’t generally include the influence of environment, media, peers, and diet on children’s behavior. I do think that we ought to mindfully choose how we are raising our children, whether it’s spanking or another type of punishment.

For me, it wasn’t a hard decision to be a non-spanker – it was simply a natural consequence of our family’s values. We choose no spanking, no threats, and no physical punishment in our family.

What’s the most effective form of discipline in your house? Is it the same or is it different from the way you were raised?

Image: HA! Designs – Artbyheather at Flickr

Natural Fatherhood: My Credo

Derek Markham — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 19:00:00 +0000

I’ve had a number of dads (and moms) ask me why I choose to use the term ‘natural fatherhood’, as opposed to just fatherhood or parenting. One of the first things I bring up is the idea of natural parenting – a parenting style that fits closely with my personal ideals.

Everyone defines it a bit differently, and because attachment parenting has a pretty defined scope, it’s not the same thing.

So I sat down and attempted to put together a credo for natural fatherhood, as defined by my personal beliefs. You may not agree with me, and that’s ok. Different strokes for different folks…

Natural Fatherhood Credo

This natural father believes:

Homebirth is awesome. It’s been happening for thousands of years without doctors and hospitals. If you feel the pull toward homebirth, do your homework, talk to midwives and doulas, and make an informed decision.
Unassisted homebirth is the ultimate DIY project. I highly recommend it.
Circumcision is barbaric and cruel. Go watch one if you disagree. Please reconsider routine circumcision.
Agreeing to vaccinate your child without fully researching the issue is irresponsible. Giving small babies multiple vaccines is so new that we don’t know the consequences. Maybe autism. Maybe SIDS.
Co-sleeping is where it’s at.
Wearing your child on your body, in a sling or in a soft pack (Ergo-carrier style), is as natural as birth.
Infant Potty Training is a great way to eliminate the need for diapers early in your child’s life.
Homeschooling works. Unschooling works even better. It’s not hard. Different, but not difficult.
Your children are miniature people. They learn by watching you, and just because they don’t know the language doesn’t mean that they are dumb.
Our children are also our friends.
Kids need guidelines. Natural parenting is not permissive parenting.
Natural foods are the basis for health in children and adults. Eating quality nutritious food will save you grief and money in the long run. It’s your health plan.
Grow your own food organically in whatever space you have. It makes sense.
It’s important to have “papa time” that is just for you. You have to work on yourself and listen to what your needs and wants are. Just because you are a father does not mean that your personal development is done. Quite the contrary.
Sometimes it takes superpowers to be a dad.
Everyday brings a new lesson, a new opportunity. Make the most of it. Be present with your children.

Natural fatherhood is not mothering for men.

It’s the role of a man fully engaged in raising his kids in a good way without the macho b.s., a man that is awake and aware and growing. A man that has a strong spiritual path will naturally pass on that tendency to his children through spiritual fathering. And when I look around me at the world, I see a big need for men that are strong fathers, spiritual fathers.

There is a lot of focus on mothers and mothering, and it would be great if we started hearing more about fathering. I say fathering instead of fatherhood: fathering is active, and fatherhood a state of being, seems to me. I’m going to use natural fathering to describe what I do, and natural fatherhood is the state I aspire to.

What would you add to this? Disagree? Leave me a comment, or write your own credo and let us know where to find it!

Image: kevinzim at Flickr

Natural Papa » parenting

Two-fer Tuesday: Bullies and When Mom’s Away

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Two-fer Tuesday: The Revolution and Baby Burritos

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Raising Readers

How to Raise a Reader

The National Reading Panel

Reading According to Jim Trelease

Start Reading Aloud – Don’t Stop

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Two-fer Tuesday: Cosleeping and Homemade Music

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Two-fer Tuesday: Circumcising Your Daughter, and the Optimal Number of Kids

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Tiny Commitments: A Daily Dad Schedule

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All Work and No Play Makes Dad a Glum Chum

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Why Dads Need to Dig in the Dirt

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Spanking: Socialized Child Abuse or Discipline?

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Natural Fatherhood: My Credo

Natural Fatherhood Credo

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