Natural Papa » natural parenting

A Look Back at the Best of Natural Papa 2009

Derek Markham — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 23:30:33 +0000

As we close out 2009, I’ve been looking back at the year’s posts and the traffic and link love I’ve received from other blogs, with an eye toward pointing you to the most read articles here. I was pleasantly surprised to notice that according to my WordPress statistics plugin, Natural Papa has now received over 100,000 pageviews. I’m jazzed about that!

In the past year, I’ve learned a lot about using WordPress, the ins and outs of hosting, WordPress themes, and using and participating in social media, and have grown to know quite a few of you on other sites as well. It’s been quite a journey, and most recently, Natural Papa joined the Simple Earth Media network.

I started at Natural Father, on Blogger, back in May of 2008, and then decided to invest in a domain name and hosting in December 2008, changing the name to Natural Papa at that time. I just check some of my other stats for Natural Papa, and quite frankly, I’m blown away by how well this site has done in just a year’s time, considering I don’t write about tech, beer, or babes (haha).

According to Alexa, my overall ranking is 173,530, with a U.S. ranking of 45,557. Google gives us a page rank of 5 for the home page, and Feedburner tells me I’ve got around 300 RSS subscribers. My page on Facebook has 300 fans, and Google Friend Connect lists 74 members of Natural Papa. That’s really cool, and I have all of you to thank for that!

Here’s a recap of the most viewed posts on Natural Papa for 2009:

Our Tiny House Experiment: The nuttiest thing we’ve ever done as a family was to move out of our house and into a one room trailer. A tiny house. Two adults, a four year old, and two cats in a 120 square foot camper.

Recipe: Best Banana Bread Ever: Looking for a super-tasty, quick and easy treat? A healthy snack that even your mother would love? Stop right now and make this banana bread recipe!

Ridiculously Good Pumpkin Spice Cookies: After years of baking and tasting and recipe-tweaking, I’m proud to be able to share this pumpkin spice cookie recipe with the world. I call them Ridiculously Good Pumpkin Spice Cookies, and they are now the standard for fall desserts at Natural Papa headquarters.

7 Essential Superpowers for Dads: One major thing they don’t ever tell you before you become a father is that you need to develop superpowers. You’ll be expected to perform miracles and transform yourself from a mild mannered fellow into a full-on superhero on demand.

Raw Food Treat: Cashew Fudge: This raw food recipe is a huge hit at potlucks and parties. It really hits the spot when you want a sweet chocolate munchie that’s full of nutrition.

Family First Aid Kit: Natural Antibiotics: The best natural topical antibiotics are simple, widely available, and cheap to purchase. They can be used to treat everything from umbilical cords to skinned knees, from splinters and blisters to infected sores, and even athlete’s foot.

10 Ways to Change the World Through Social Media: [Guest post from Max Gladwell] For most of us, social media has changed our lives in some meaningful way. Collectively it is changing the world for good. Given the pace of innovation and adoption, change has become a constant. Every so often we find the need to stop and reflect on its most recent and noteworthy developments.

Sprouting: How to Grow Sprouts at Home for Low Cost Nutritious Meals: Sprouting at home is a simple way to lower your food costs, increase the amount of raw food in your diet, and be assured that the sprouts you eat are safe.

It’s Not Called Permissive Parenting: In my humble opinion, giving a child free rein doesn’t seem to be very effective in the long run. I think there’s a middle ground that is respectful to the parents and the child, and that effectively teaches the skills for family living and future involvement with the rest of society.

Circumcision: Will You Make the Cut?: We had our oldest son in the hospital and he was circumcised at birth, partly because we didn’t know any better, and partly because I wanted him to “be like me” (“it’s normal, everyone does it”). Now I know better.

About Derek Markham This surprised me, because it’s not an article, it’s just a page about me. Who knew I was so interesting? I sure didn’t.

Natural Remedies for Earaches: Earaches are a fairly common childhood ailment, one that you can probably take care of at home with natural remedies. You don’t have to run to the doctor if you use some of these home remedies to take care of your child’s earache.

Circumcision: Barbaric Mutilation [Videos]: More circumcision info, this time in a couple of videos by Penn and Teller.

16 Excellent Tiny House Resources: From talking to other people who are looking to either live in a low impact way, or to simply save money, I have found that the tiny house concept is one that really resonates with them. And thanks to the power of the internet, resources for how to make the transition to a micro house, how to build your own, or how to live in one, are only a click away.

As always, don’t hesitate to email me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com if you have any input about the topics you read here, or you’re interested in guest posting, or if you simply want to connect with me.

Oh yeah –> You may want to also follow me on Twitter.

Image: Optical illusion at Flickr

Natural Fatherhood: My Credo

Derek Markham — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 19:00:00 +0000

I’ve had a number of dads (and moms) ask me why I choose to use the term ‘natural fatherhood’, as opposed to just fatherhood or parenting. One of the first things I bring up is the idea of natural parenting – a parenting style that fits closely with my personal ideals.

Everyone defines it a bit differently, and because attachment parenting has a pretty defined scope, it’s not the same thing.

So I sat down and attempted to put together a credo for natural fatherhood, as defined by my personal beliefs. You may not agree with me, and that’s ok. Different strokes for different folks…

Natural Fatherhood Credo

This natural father believes:

Homebirth is awesome. It’s been happening for thousands of years without doctors and hospitals. If you feel the pull toward homebirth, do your homework, talk to midwives and doulas, and make an informed decision.
Unassisted homebirth is the ultimate DIY project. I highly recommend it.
Circumcision is barbaric and cruel. Go watch one if you disagree. Please reconsider routine circumcision.
Agreeing to vaccinate your child without fully researching the issue is irresponsible. Giving small babies multiple vaccines is so new that we don’t know the consequences. Maybe autism. Maybe SIDS.
Co-sleeping is where it’s at.
Wearing your child on your body, in a sling or in a soft pack (Ergo-carrier style), is as natural as birth.
Infant Potty Training is a great way to eliminate the need for diapers early in your child’s life.
Homeschooling works. Unschooling works even better. It’s not hard. Different, but not difficult.
Your children are miniature people. They learn by watching you, and just because they don’t know the language doesn’t mean that they are dumb.
Our children are also our friends.
Kids need guidelines. Natural parenting is not permissive parenting.
Natural foods are the basis for health in children and adults. Eating quality nutritious food will save you grief and money in the long run. It’s your health plan.
Grow your own food organically in whatever space you have. It makes sense.
It’s important to have “papa time” that is just for you. You have to work on yourself and listen to what your needs and wants are. Just because you are a father does not mean that your personal development is done. Quite the contrary.
Sometimes it takes superpowers to be a dad.
Everyday brings a new lesson, a new opportunity. Make the most of it. Be present with your children.

Natural fatherhood is not mothering for men.

It’s the role of a man fully engaged in raising his kids in a good way without the macho b.s., a man that is awake and aware and growing. A man that has a strong spiritual path will naturally pass on that tendency to his children through spiritual fathering. And when I look around me at the world, I see a big need for men that are strong fathers, spiritual fathers.

There is a lot of focus on mothers and mothering, and it would be great if we started hearing more about fathering. I say fathering instead of fatherhood: fathering is active, and fatherhood a state of being, seems to me. I’m going to use natural fathering to describe what I do, and natural fatherhood is the state I aspire to.

What would you add to this? Disagree? Leave me a comment, or write your own credo and let us know where to find it!

Image: kevinzim at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Adam Pedley

Derek Markham — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 07:33:22 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Adam Pedley

Adam Pedley is a father of 2 boys and is in the business of helping others. One of the support groups he runs with his wife is Home Birth My Birth.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

Well, I didn’t choose homebirth, my wife did. My wife had an unpleasant experience in hospital and didn’t want to go back there again.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea. My first reaction was a look of confusion. For me I only knew that babies were born in hospital and I didn’t even think you were allowed to give birth at home. After my wife gave me more information on home birth I became a little more open to the idea. I don’t think I actually had a choice, so I had to agree.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Well, to be honest my wife was the one giving me the information, I didn’t actually look up anything myself. My wife read many articles and books on the subject and always discussed it with me while she was reading them. Some of the books that my wife did find useful and interesting were by Michel Odent. He was the man who pioneered water birth in western society.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

The main fear of a homebirth was what if something went wrong. It seems to be a common theme that runs through anyone first introduced to home birthing. The main thing that got me through those fears was learning that the midwife was medically trained and if an emergency did occur, even though highly unlikely, we would just go to the hospital.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I think I was told everything before the homebirth so I was quite relaxed during the whole birth.

For first time homebirth dads I would say that homebirths are natural and the way it has been done for most generations before us whereas hospital births are relatively new. If there is a problem (and that would be very rare) it’s only a short trip to hospital. Also complications during birth don’t happen within minutes, any warning signs are there well in advance, normally before labor starts. There are so many advantages for everyone with a homebirth I wouldn’t have enough time to list them.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I actually found it very easy. My wife always laughs when I say to others that the birth was very easy. I think I was just running on adrenalin during the birth as it occurred early morning yet I felt exhilarated.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

All of my guy friends were either single or had no children. Many found it astounding that my wife was going to give birth at home in water and they generally just displayed fear at the concept.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

The midwife was great during the birth. She left my wife to birth how she wanted and just checked up on a few things during the labor. It was great just having someone there making sure everything is ok and reassuring my wife if needed.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Our relationship has stayed the same, though we were a lot more relaxed and closer after the birth, than after the birth in hospital.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

I wouldn’t do it any other way now. It was such a peaceful birth, both the baby and mother were happy and relaxed and so was I. I remember when he was born. He came out, arms wide open and looking up at us as he floated in the birth pool. It was an amazing experience.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

It was an exciting and joyous moment when my son entered the world. Having a water birth at home was very relaxing and it was great to be having a birth the way my wife wanted. I was very proud of my wife.

[Thank you, Adam, for being willing to share your homebirth experience with us. It's always good for fathers to share their stories, as I don't think it happens enough, especially when it comes to birth. Readers: If you know any other homebirth dads who would like to share their answers for this 10 Questions series, please have them contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: christine [cbszeto] at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:00:12 +0000

[I've had a great bunch of fathers answer these questions about dads and homebirth already, but I haven't taken the time to answer them myself until now. Here's my contribution to the 10 Questions series.]

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Derek Markham

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife’s mother had homebirths with her last two children, so my wife got to experience it as a kid by watching her mother give birth at home. She was convinced that was the way to go for her, and I trusted her intuition and comfort level with it. I had never been exposed to homebirth before, as my mother always had hospital births.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea, and because I wanted her to have the birth experience that she felt most comfortable with, I read up on it and asked a bunch of questions until I felt comfortable with a homebirth as well. It also appealed to me because I tend to be very independent and a do-it-yourself kind of guy.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Spiritual Midwifery had the best info for both of us. For her, it was all of the birth stories – the emotional and spiritual aspect to birth. For me, it was the specific details about birth in the back of the book that I needed to read and learn about. I didn’t ever find a homebirth book that specifically spoke to dads, unfortunately. We also watched a number of homebirth videos together, which somehow made it more real – watching someone else do it.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Before the first homebirth, I had the usual fears about the health of my wife – would she be ok, would we have to be transported to the hospital, issues like that. I didn’t really fear for the baby, but perhaps that’s because the baby didn’t seem as real – it was just a belly to me, not a baby yet. During subsequent homebirths, I definitely had the baby’s health and safety on my mind as well.

I had been to two hospital births before, so I only had that to compare to (which is more than many first-time dads). Because hospital births had roomfuls of equipment and we didn’t at a homebirth, I think there was a bit of the male ‘gadget dependence’ on my mind. The truth is, you don’t need much to have a birth – all of the stuff at the hospital is ‘just in case’.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I wish that someone had told me how to more fully support my wife during labor, instead of trying to talk to her so much. I was trying to make the birth experience an intellectual one instead of an emotional and spiritual one, and had a hard time getting into the flow of birth.

My advice to first time homebirth dads is to remember who is giving birth, and to completely give yourself over to making her feel loved, supported, and comforted. And also to realize that a big part of giving birth is the primal knowledge that a woman’s body inherently has, without her having to learn it.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I think the most difficult part for me, mentally, has been when the baby is crowning (the head is right there, but still inside). My mechanical side thinks “There’s no way the entire body is going to fit through there,” and yet it does, as the human body is an amazing creation.

Another part that can be emotionally difficult is when she enters the transition stage – being fully dilated and the contractions are coming on strong. It’s hard to see your wife under such conditions, as you want to relieve their pain or discomfort, yet there’s really nothing you can do.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

I haven’t ever had support from my men friends during a birth. We’ve never told anyone outside the family when my wife goes into labor. Perhaps if we did, we would have emotional support via prayers and focused intentions.

We have invited men to my wife’s Blessing Way ceremony before the birth, to try to involve them, but the reality is that birth is still predominantly a woman’s world. I don’t know that having my guy friends around would have helped me any, as my attention is focused almost entirely on my wife during birth.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

I have never had to deal with interacting with a midwife other than with our first – We’ve had 3 unassisted homebirths (unattended by a midwife), but our first child was a planned homebirth that ended up in an early induced hospital birth (due to preeclampsia/toxemia). That birth was tough, as our midwife was there, but the OB/GYN was really in charge, and we didn’t really know her beforehand.

I recommend getting comfortable with the midwife before the birth, perhaps with some social interaction and not just visits on a professional level. It will help with the birth experience if you feel at ease with her. Having a doula can also be a very positive addition during a homebirth, and so can a very close friend.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Giving birth together at home (actually, just giving birth together anywhere) is a fantastically bonding experience for a couple. We’ve definitely grown closer each time, and it gives me a greater appreciation for her as I watch her go through the experience.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

We definitely will always choose homebirth. The only thing that would change that would be if there was something that put us into a higher risk category – we would never try another homebirth if we knew there was a factor outside of our control that would endanger my wife or child.

After three perfect homebirths, I can say that for us, it’s the best way.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

Watching my children get born is one of the most incredible experiences I’ve ever had. It’s almost indescribable. This tiny being, who is helpless without you, is suddenly a part of your life, and once you see them, you can’t imagine life without them. It is quite like an instant heart connection, as if they’ve always been there.

***

Here’s a shot of the birth tub we used when our (now) 4 year old was born – in a tipi in our yard:

Images: Author

About Natural Papa

Derek Markham — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:48:16 +0000

Natural Papa focuses on natural parenting and fatherhood, home remedies for common children’s ailments, homeschooling, green and simple living for families, and natural foods. We hope to be a valuable reference for parents and parents to be, and to engage in a conversation with our readers about issues in raising a family in an environmentally friendly way.

Got a tip or an idea for a post on Natural Papa? A question we can help answer? Are you interested in guest posting here? Contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa (dot) com.

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jerry Shannon

Derek Markham — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:08:29 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Jerry Shannon

Jerry is a graduate student in Geography at the University of Minnesota and an active dad of two sons. His wife Sarah helps lead the local chapter of the International Cesarean Network (ICAN).

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

We chose homebirth because it was the only situation that we felt would assure my wife, Sarah, a chance to have the birth she wanted. Our first child was born by cesarean section after a series of medical interventions. After talking with several OBs and midwives in the area, it was clear that any hospital birth would be highly monitored and that the specter of another cesarean would always be in the background. Doing a homebirth was the only way out of that system.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was Sarah’s idea originally. I had some concerns both about safety and the cost, since insurance probably wouldn’t cover it. After reading through some of the research, my fears about safety got a lot less. This second child will be our last one, and this was an important enough event that we found money to cover the cost.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Sarah showed me several articles, none of which I can recall specifically. We watched the Business of Being Born, which was also helpful. Interviewing homebirth midwives influenced my decision, too. The midwife we worked with had attended hundreds of births as a doula and had done over a hundred as a midwife, so I felt confident that she knew what she was doing.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

There’s the obvious fears of complications, uterine rupture or hemorrhaging specifically. We live less than 5 minutes from an emergency room, which helped make me feel better about that. The birth went perfectly, and I’d say afterwards that as long as there is a backup plan if complications arise, I’d feel no fear in choosing this again. I also was nervous about being on our own so soon after the birth, but honestly, it was much easier being at home in our own space and not having to worry about the hassle of finding food/setting up the hospital room/etc. It probably helped that this was our second child.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I’m not sure what advice I wish I’d had. While I was initially skeptical, I’ve been converted to the virtues of homebirth. It was much more comfortable and less stressful than our first birth. And I think it’s really important that Sarah was able to choose the birth she wanted.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I’m kind of a doer, so it was hard for me to sit still and just hold Sarah’s hand for much of the labor. She had to tell me to stop talking more than once. I wanted to be helpful, but the most important thing was to be present as an emotional support for her.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Men in my family supported our decision, but I could tell that everyone was nervous about not being in the hospital. I wouldn’t say my guy friends disapproved. But this was definitely something we were choosing on our own. Our main support came from ICAN–the cesarean support group that Sarah’s been a part of.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

The interaction with the midwife and her assistant was great. For the first hour or two of the labor they were busy getting the supplies set up. Getting the birth tub to the right temperature was difficult, since our hot water heater kept running out. But we just kept working at it until it was at a temperature she felt comfortable with. Our birth went from midnight to 7 am, and the predawn hours were pretty quiet for everyone. We just sat around the birth tub and tried to be supportive of Sarah as she labored.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

For Sarah, having the successful HBAC was huge. I think the fact that we both decided on it together, largely on our own initiative, definitely strengthened our relationship.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

No question. I’m a homebirth evangelist. Obviously, there are cases where closer medical supervision is necessary. But given the lower cost of homebirth and the fact that it was way more comfortable to be in our own space, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it again.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

Birth is an emotionally intense experience. Being able to do it on our terms made it all the more significant–this process was so much more empowering than a hospital birth. It’s also cool to be able to walk through our dining room and point to the exact spot our son entered the world.

[Wow, another successful homebirth after cesarean (HBAC)! Thank you, Jerry, for being willing to share your story. Readers - if you know any other homebirth dads who would like to share their answers for this 10 Questions series, contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: schmollmolch at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jason Palmer

Derek Markham — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:26:37 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Jason Palmer

Jason Palmer is the husband of Marisa, who blogs at Mama Needs A Hobby. Jason is a hard worker, skateboarder and loving dad to 2 little ones – a hospital birth and a home birth v/hbac.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife felt very strongly about it after our first sons birth was a hospital birth that left her very unhappy with hospitals. I felt that she was strong enough and I believe in her.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s, I believe in her and I knew it was something she could do. She was cheated with our first sons birth as I previously mentioned in question #1 and she felt very strongly about it.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

I didn’t really read anything; I went through the hospital birth. We did Lamaze beforehand and were prepared for a natural birth that way. Unfortunately it didn’t happen to be a vaginal birth but an unneeded c-section. She also had me watch The Business of Being Born, which I believed half the births in the hospital don’t need to be there. Which helped lead us to a home birth.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

The what ifs are always a fear of mine. My birth had been complicated (cord wrapped around my neck and I was month late, meconium poisoning. This was in 1980 as well) so that played a large role in the fear that I had. Before I knew the facts about VBACs I was very on the fence about the whole home birth experience. After the birth, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It was magical. It was the total 180 degrees experience that I had at the hospital with our older son. When you’re at home, the home setting, it relaxes you in a certain way. That you’re at home, you’re comfortable, she was comfortable. It all just felt right. It’s like they say, There’s no place like home.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I can’t think of anything that I had wished anyone had told me before had honestly. Oh wait, just like in a hospital, when she says to shut up you should shut up! The advice I would give to a first time home birth dad is to be as helpful as you can be. You are your spouses’ main support. To do the best that you can to make the day for her even more special.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

The very end, because watching her work that hard it’s just a strain to watch her go through that and not be able to step in for her or take the pain away. I felt very useless at that point even though I know I was very helpful.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Where we live, I don’t really have any close friends. They’re all hours away from here so support was very limited when we did get to talk. Something like these questions, from another guys perspective would have helped me big time. It would have helped calm fears and nerves.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

From the minute we walked into her home office I felt welcome. She was more of a friend then someone we were paying to deliver our child. Nothing could have made it better. We lucked out with an awesome midwife.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I will always think of it as something we did together with little outside help. I will always consider it one of our greatest adventures of our story together.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Absolutely. Since I have experienced both a hospital birth and a home birth, I would consider home birth the hands down way to go.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

I am not a very emotional/spiritual person; I can say that there is no other feeling quite like it. It felt like a long, scary waiting a game – but at the end you get a piece of you and in a split second you know you’d give your life for theirs.

[Thanks for your answers, Jason. I'm always jazzed to hear about vaginal home births after c-section (VBAC), because many think it's not an option. Readers, if you know any other homebirth dads that would like to participate in the 10 Questions series, contact me - derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: bjora857 at Flickr

Co-Sleeping with Baby: Attachment Parenting for Dads

Derek Markham — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:50:06 +0000

Co-sleeping is one of the principles of attachment parenting, and also one of the most contentious. For those who practice it, it’s normal and healthy. For those who don’t, it’s dangerous and irresponsible.

“You really let your baby sleep in the same bed with you? Isn’t that dangerous?”

Before our first child was born, my wife and I discussed co-sleeping, and I have to admit that I wasn’t so sure about it. I read about the basics, the pros and cons, and intuitively, it seemed right. But when I thought of actually having the baby in bed with us, I had some reservations. After some serious study of the issue, and talking to others, I eventually came around, and now, I can’t see doing it any differently.

My wife and I have been co-sleeping with all of our children for almost 12 years (one at a time, though, not all of them at once), and I believe that if you can disregard the negative bias of the mainstream media when it comes to natural parenting, and trust your own instincts, co-sleeping is beneficial to the entire family.

New dads and expectant dads have asked me numerous times about co-sleeping, so I’ll attempt to address their concerns here and shed some light on the perceived dangers of the practice. Before I start, remember that I’m not trying to convince you that you need to co-sleep, or that it’s wrong if you don’t. Co-sleeping is a personal preference, and is definitely not for everyone.

Will we roll over on top of our child and smother them?

Here’s a little test for you: Grab a couple of tennis balls, or a 10 pound bag of rice, throw it in your bed, and see if you roll over on it without waking up. Chances are, unless you’re drunk or high, you’ll be aware of something next to you and can adjust your position to accommodate it. For new dads, putting a rolled up towel between you and the baby at first can help to train you to be more aware. For more on that topic, see Cosleeping and Overlaying/Suffocation, from the University of Notre Dame’s Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory. And if you’re extremely overweight, or drunk or wacked out, please don’t co-sleep!

But I don’t want the baby to wake us up throughout the night.

I hate to break it to you, but your child is going to wake up in the night, sometimes often. Studies have shown that babies who sleep next to their mothers are better sleepers and have less stressful experiences during the night. Mothers who wait until they hear the baby cry from the other room have to get out of bed and comfort the child and then nurse them back to sleep (and only then can they return to bed). Contrast that with a mother who can nurse the baby without ever leaving the bed, and without letting the baby get vocal enough to wake you both up. So co-sleeping can be better for the sleep patterns of both mother and child.

If there’s a baby in our bed, won’t that keep us from being intimate with our partner?

Only if you let it… I wouldn’t ever advocate ‘adult’ activities with your child between you, ’cause that’s just silly. But like they say, where there’s a will there’s a way. Co-sleeping doesn’t have to mean the child is always between you. You can always put the baby to sleep somewhere else and bring him into bed with you later. Or get creative and take your love life outside of the bedroom.

Won’t the baby pee (poop, spit-up, etc.) in the bed?

Yes, babies can be messy. A wool soaker pad under the baby (covered with a baby blanket) keeps bodily fluids from soaking into your mattress, and are easy to make from a wool blanket. Simply cut to size, and while you’re at it, cut several smaller pieces for the diaper bag to use as changing pads.

The baby will fall out of bed.

We sleep with the baby between us, but for some couples, that doesn’t work. Use a rolled up towel as a barrier until the baby is old enough to roll over regularly. Push your bed against the wall if you need to, or purchase (or make) a bed extender (kind of like a mini bed that attaches to yours, effectively enlarging the bed enough for a baby).

But won’t the child get ‘addicted’ to sleeping with us? How will we transition them to their own bed when they get older?

We’ve found that as a child gets older, they tend to want their own space, and getting a bed of their own is an exciting thing. Kids who feel secure at night as a result of co-sleeping may have an easier time transitioning to a ‘big-kid bed’. There might be some opposition to having to move out of the family bed when a new baby comes, but you’ll have plenty of time to get them used to it during the pregnancy (and it’s only one of many issues that come up when having a younger sibling come into the family).

I have to admit that I envied the closeness that the mother enjoys with the baby, but co-sleeping helped to allay that, giving me a greater sense of connection with our children. There’s nothing like waking up to the sweet smell of baby’s breath, or having them snuggle up to you in the night. Co-sleeping has strengthened the bond I feel with our children, and if you feel drawn to it, I recommend giving it a try. You probably won’t want to give it up afterward.

A word of warning to dads: As kids grow bigger, their feet are right at the level of the family jewels, so if you’ve got a kicker in the family, you might need to sleep facing away from them (or risk a painful awakening).

A caveat: Co-sleeping on a couch or a water bed is not a good idea – most, if not all, co-sleeping advocates warn against it. And it’s not for babysitters or non-parental caregivers, either.

Many families around the world sleep in a family bed, and humans have been co-sleeping for thousand of years. Putting our kids in separate beds is a relatively new concept, and one that no doubt sells lots of cribs…

Don’t take my word for it, though. Read what Dr. Sears, MD, a father of 8 children, author of 30 books on childcare with 30 years of pediatric experience, has to say about co-sleeping: Co-Sleeping: Yes, No, Sometimes? | Safe Co-Sleeping Habits Every Parent Should Know: Do’s and Don’ts

Image: Author

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Chris Byrne

Derek Markham — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:25:16 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Chris Byrne

Chris is an independent sustainability consultant and papa of two wonderful children, both born at home. He lives with his children and wife in Western Massachusetts. Follow him on Twitter: @byrnegreen

1. Why did you choose homebirth? 2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

We were always clear that we intended homebirth. I had to ask my wife to help me recollect when we had ‘made’ the decision for our daughter, who was born first. I remember making decisions about the homebirth, but not about the choice to have a homebirth. It was probably brought up first by my partner, and it was just a non-decision, we both thought “of course”. That was just a natural extension of our values as individuals, partners, and a soon to be family.

I feel lucky that my partner and I are so aligned on what we feel and think is best for the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of our children and family. So many couples I’ve seen go through a huge process around topics like birth and circumcision and vaccinations. We’re lucky to share essentially identical values in those regards.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

There’s a funny story about our first labor, the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May, and my wife cursing like a truck driver that I’ll save, but one resource that made a great impression on me was the film Birth Into Being (Birth As We Know It) by Elena Tonetti

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Well, of course I wanted my partner and baby to be healthy. I had a resistance to the potential of fatigue for her (and me) and the pain and the potential of having to “transport” (to the hospital), but mostly i was looking forward to the awe of the event, and the intimate afterglow.

Part of the way we were able to relax into that space was that we had sought a great deal of education and done a lot of process around the birth. We knew what common issues were, and how to be prepared for them. We had a well thought out plan for having our children at home, and had thought considerably prior to labor what would be acceptable to us to face at home, and at what point if necessary we were prepared to transport to the hospital if any complications deemed it necessary for the health of baby or mother. We intended a healthy birth, and we intended for that birth to be at home, which they were. Both times were beautiful and yet extremely different from one another.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

There is a primal threshold that the woman straddles in a birth, especially one that is open and not overly medicalized. My love describes it as going to the edge of the life / death veil and bringing the baby back into this realm. In my experience, the role of the papa or whomever else is the mama’s advocate is to be the warrior and protect the nest, and the mama and baby.

So the job of this person–be it in a hospital or at home–is to be present with the needs of the mama and her team. You are the guardian that allows the mama to put her guard down and focus on bringing the baby through. This goes for the physical space, but also for vibes. You are there to protect the emotional bodies and (if you believe) the subtle energies of the room as well as making sure the physical realm (warmth, water, safety, etc) is addressed. If someone that is attending (a friend or family member) is not comfortable (being overly anxious, for example), then it is your role (I believe) to make them aware that their issues are affecting the space and give them the opportunity to shift or leave. The mother relaxing is the most important jewel to protect, and that is your primary role.

Oh, and if you can, clear as much time as you can after the birth. The bliss lingers, and it is a great way to bond with your new family.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

My wife had been experiencing some excruciating “back labor”. The pain was incredible (not the pleasurable birth the second was to be) and my wife was meeting the pain–understandably–with cries of “it’s to much” and “I can’t take it” with each contraction. I decided after some consideration and sell-consciousness that I was about to confront the birthing lioness herself, to go into the bathroom, where she was standing in the shower trying to get some relief between contractions. It was the morning, and she had been going all night and it seemed there was still a way to go. The midwife had already spoken with me outside and expressed that she felt that if something did not shift soon she could not see my partner having the stamina to birth at home and that we would have to go to the hospital and allow them to intervene.

I walked into the room and said “listen love, I know that I am a man and I have no right to tell you about how to birth this baby but I really need to reflect something to you.” After some choice words about where I could choose to stick my opinion, I continued. “What I hear you saying is that you can’t take it. That it is too much to bear. And if that is the case that is fine and we will – without judgement – go to the hospital and get some help with the pain.” We both knew this was not what we wanted, but I believe speaking to this potential was a huge wake up. “The image that keeps coming to me” I continued” is of a swimmer in the break zone. You either need to swim out past the crashing waves or come into shore, but if you just hang out there you are going to drown. Either meet this pain or we need to do something else to help you shift, for your sake and that of the baby.”

I said that to her on my way out to her acupuncturist for some St John’s Wort oil for her sacrum for the pain, and when I returned, she was like a warrior goddess, in this deep, centered, beautiful zone. The intense pain was still there, I could tell, but the experience was entirely different. My beloved credits that moment as one where the birth turned a critical corner and allowed her to give birth to our daughter at home.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

I did not have deep support during the first birth, which is probably a popular and equally tragic experience of our culture. I was younger and still on the cusp of finding myself, and most of my support came through classes and some friendships and friendly advice, but no real male mentor culture existed to steward me through the transition.

During the second pregnancy, I had been sitting with an inter-generational circle of 15 men going through a process of initiation that paralleled the pregnancy. In that process I (and the others) did deep shadow work and also looked at cultural and practical issues of being a provider for children and family in this modern life. It was very helpful. The week after my son was born, the men came in the dawn hour and sang to my son and then we all went out and chopped the winter’s firewood. All families should have that sort of support.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

I think it is very important for the partner to attend as many of the pre-birth appointments as possible. This way, I had a relationship with the midwife prior to the birth. I was familiar with her and she was familiar with me and our approach and flavor as as partnership. We had great midwives.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

We trust each other very deeply, and I believe our births have been a huge medicine for deepening that trust. We have seen each other at our strongest and most vulnerable and most challenged, and witnessed the power of the other at their best, and shared one of the most intimate spaces I think possible in this human experience: conscious birth.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Well, we are clear that our family is complete and whole with respect to having any more children. However, if we were to have another birth, I couldn’t think of any other way I would rather welcome another soul to this planet.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

My 3 1/2 year old daughter was brought down from her bed at 1:30am and met and held her brother as he was still connected to his placenta that was inside my wife. (Contrast that with a picture I saw on Facebook that made me cry of a brother “meeting” his newborn sister–days later–through glass.)

The newness and stillness of being beside the fire on that cold October night remains one of the most expansive moments of connection to source I have ever experienced. Same with the days after the birth of my daughter. During the second, my wife had been in pre-labor for the better part of two weeks, and before she went to bed that night, we anointed each other with specific oils for different intentions on the crown, heart, ankles, and feet. She came down a few hours later, and the final labor had begun.

Our son came in on his own, without so much as a push from my beloved, and the experience was a romantic and blissful celebration of our love, our parenting, our family, and the great mystery of life on Earth. I don’t believe this is held in the forefront in a hospital, if it is noticed at all in the sterile fluorescent birth-as-medical-condition experience. At home, I couldn’t help but notice it. I couldn’t help but be in the center of it, the whole time, a glow.

[Thank you, Chris! You're the only homebirth dad I've talked to that had some support or validation from your guy friends - I really like the visual I get when thinking of a group of men coming at dawn to sing to your son and then going out to chop firewood. Very cool.]

Image: Robert S. Donovan at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jorge T. Cuevas

Derek Markham — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:47:02 +0000

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jorge T. Cuevas

Jorge T. Cuevas is the husband of a homebirth midwife, father of two homebirths, and video producer of “Homebirth Dads: The Dad’s Perspective On Homebirthing“.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife is a homebirth midwife, so there was no other choice that we felt more comfortable with.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea. My wife began educating me about homebirth from the moment we met.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

12 years ago, I actually didn’t find any resources specifically for the dads before my children were born, which is why I produced the video “Homebirth Dads: The Dad’s Perspective On Homebirthing“.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)?

Whether we would have to transfer to the hospital.

How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Everything went well, so we never had to think about it.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I just wanted to hear from other men about their experiences. Talk to as many homebirth dads as possible, and ask as many questions that you can. The more that you know as to what to expect, the more prepared you’ll feel. If you don’t have homebirth dads that you can talk to in your area, now there are more resources available specifically for dads.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

Trying to physically support my wife in some very uncomfortable positions for a long time.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends?

None of my male friends had homebirths.

If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Answers from other homebirth dads to these questions, and similar questions that I posed to the homebirth dads on the Homebirth Dads video.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

My interaction with the midwife was fine the way it was.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I certainly appreciated what my wife went through to birth 2 beautiful healthy children.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Both of our children were born at home, and I will always recommend it, as long as the mother is healthy.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

The first homebirth was more emotional because it was a completely new experience.

[Thank you, Jorge. I'm looking forward to watching your video and will post a review here when I do.]

Image: Weird Beard at Flickr

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