Natural Papa » homebirth

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Adam Pedley

Derek Markham — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 07:33:22 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Adam Pedley

Adam Pedley is a father of 2 boys and is in the business of helping others. One of the support groups he runs with his wife is Home Birth My Birth.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

Well, I didn’t choose homebirth, my wife did. My wife had an unpleasant experience in hospital and didn’t want to go back there again.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea. My first reaction was a look of confusion. For me I only knew that babies were born in hospital and I didn’t even think you were allowed to give birth at home. After my wife gave me more information on home birth I became a little more open to the idea. I don’t think I actually had a choice, so I had to agree.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Well, to be honest my wife was the one giving me the information, I didn’t actually look up anything myself. My wife read many articles and books on the subject and always discussed it with me while she was reading them. Some of the books that my wife did find useful and interesting were by Michel Odent. He was the man who pioneered water birth in western society.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

The main fear of a homebirth was what if something went wrong. It seems to be a common theme that runs through anyone first introduced to home birthing. The main thing that got me through those fears was learning that the midwife was medically trained and if an emergency did occur, even though highly unlikely, we would just go to the hospital.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I think I was told everything before the homebirth so I was quite relaxed during the whole birth.

For first time homebirth dads I would say that homebirths are natural and the way it has been done for most generations before us whereas hospital births are relatively new. If there is a problem (and that would be very rare) it’s only a short trip to hospital. Also complications during birth don’t happen within minutes, any warning signs are there well in advance, normally before labor starts. There are so many advantages for everyone with a homebirth I wouldn’t have enough time to list them.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I actually found it very easy. My wife always laughs when I say to others that the birth was very easy. I think I was just running on adrenalin during the birth as it occurred early morning yet I felt exhilarated.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

All of my guy friends were either single or had no children. Many found it astounding that my wife was going to give birth at home in water and they generally just displayed fear at the concept.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

The midwife was great during the birth. She left my wife to birth how she wanted and just checked up on a few things during the labor. It was great just having someone there making sure everything is ok and reassuring my wife if needed.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Our relationship has stayed the same, though we were a lot more relaxed and closer after the birth, than after the birth in hospital.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

I wouldn’t do it any other way now. It was such a peaceful birth, both the baby and mother were happy and relaxed and so was I. I remember when he was born. He came out, arms wide open and looking up at us as he floated in the birth pool. It was an amazing experience.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

It was an exciting and joyous moment when my son entered the world. Having a water birth at home was very relaxing and it was great to be having a birth the way my wife wanted. I was very proud of my wife.

[Thank you, Adam, for being willing to share your homebirth experience with us. It's always good for fathers to share their stories, as I don't think it happens enough, especially when it comes to birth. Readers: If you know any other homebirth dads who would like to share their answers for this 10 Questions series, please have them contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: christine [cbszeto] at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:00:12 +0000

[I've had a great bunch of fathers answer these questions about dads and homebirth already, but I haven't taken the time to answer them myself until now. Here's my contribution to the 10 Questions series.]

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Derek Markham

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife’s mother had homebirths with her last two children, so my wife got to experience it as a kid by watching her mother give birth at home. She was convinced that was the way to go for her, and I trusted her intuition and comfort level with it. I had never been exposed to homebirth before, as my mother always had hospital births.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea, and because I wanted her to have the birth experience that she felt most comfortable with, I read up on it and asked a bunch of questions until I felt comfortable with a homebirth as well. It also appealed to me because I tend to be very independent and a do-it-yourself kind of guy.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Spiritual Midwifery had the best info for both of us. For her, it was all of the birth stories – the emotional and spiritual aspect to birth. For me, it was the specific details about birth in the back of the book that I needed to read and learn about. I didn’t ever find a homebirth book that specifically spoke to dads, unfortunately. We also watched a number of homebirth videos together, which somehow made it more real – watching someone else do it.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Before the first homebirth, I had the usual fears about the health of my wife – would she be ok, would we have to be transported to the hospital, issues like that. I didn’t really fear for the baby, but perhaps that’s because the baby didn’t seem as real – it was just a belly to me, not a baby yet. During subsequent homebirths, I definitely had the baby’s health and safety on my mind as well.

I had been to two hospital births before, so I only had that to compare to (which is more than many first-time dads). Because hospital births had roomfuls of equipment and we didn’t at a homebirth, I think there was a bit of the male ‘gadget dependence’ on my mind. The truth is, you don’t need much to have a birth – all of the stuff at the hospital is ‘just in case’.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I wish that someone had told me how to more fully support my wife during labor, instead of trying to talk to her so much. I was trying to make the birth experience an intellectual one instead of an emotional and spiritual one, and had a hard time getting into the flow of birth.

My advice to first time homebirth dads is to remember who is giving birth, and to completely give yourself over to making her feel loved, supported, and comforted. And also to realize that a big part of giving birth is the primal knowledge that a woman’s body inherently has, without her having to learn it.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I think the most difficult part for me, mentally, has been when the baby is crowning (the head is right there, but still inside). My mechanical side thinks “There’s no way the entire body is going to fit through there,” and yet it does, as the human body is an amazing creation.

Another part that can be emotionally difficult is when she enters the transition stage – being fully dilated and the contractions are coming on strong. It’s hard to see your wife under such conditions, as you want to relieve their pain or discomfort, yet there’s really nothing you can do.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

I haven’t ever had support from my men friends during a birth. We’ve never told anyone outside the family when my wife goes into labor. Perhaps if we did, we would have emotional support via prayers and focused intentions.

We have invited men to my wife’s Blessing Way ceremony before the birth, to try to involve them, but the reality is that birth is still predominantly a woman’s world. I don’t know that having my guy friends around would have helped me any, as my attention is focused almost entirely on my wife during birth.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

I have never had to deal with interacting with a midwife other than with our first – We’ve had 3 unassisted homebirths (unattended by a midwife), but our first child was a planned homebirth that ended up in an early induced hospital birth (due to preeclampsia/toxemia). That birth was tough, as our midwife was there, but the OB/GYN was really in charge, and we didn’t really know her beforehand.

I recommend getting comfortable with the midwife before the birth, perhaps with some social interaction and not just visits on a professional level. It will help with the birth experience if you feel at ease with her. Having a doula can also be a very positive addition during a homebirth, and so can a very close friend.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Giving birth together at home (actually, just giving birth together anywhere) is a fantastically bonding experience for a couple. We’ve definitely grown closer each time, and it gives me a greater appreciation for her as I watch her go through the experience.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

We definitely will always choose homebirth. The only thing that would change that would be if there was something that put us into a higher risk category – we would never try another homebirth if we knew there was a factor outside of our control that would endanger my wife or child.

After three perfect homebirths, I can say that for us, it’s the best way.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

Watching my children get born is one of the most incredible experiences I’ve ever had. It’s almost indescribable. This tiny being, who is helpless without you, is suddenly a part of your life, and once you see them, you can’t imagine life without them. It is quite like an instant heart connection, as if they’ve always been there.

***

Here’s a shot of the birth tub we used when our (now) 4 year old was born – in a tipi in our yard:

Images: Author

Unassisted Birth: A Father’s Experience

Derek Markham — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:30:00 +0000

There’s been some very negative coverage of unassisted homebirths that ended in tragedy recently, so I’d love to share one of our homebirth stories with you to show the other side of giving birth unassisted.

For those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to giving birth without a midwife, doula, or other medical assistance – just the mother and father. Sometimes it’s referred to as “free-birth”.

We chose to have our last 3 children unassisted, at home, because we felt very comfortable with it and had done all of our homework. It’s not for everyone, so please don’t think I am trying to convince you to do the same. It’s a very personal decision, and a big one.

This unassisted birth story is about our second child. He had an amazing birth, picture-perfect, and it was a transformative experience for us. I wrote a couple of pages in my journal about it afterward, and feel that by sharing it here, perhaps it would be inspiring to others. This is the condensed version – I won’t subject you to the full rambling entry.

We knew we wanted to give birth without a doula or midwife and that felt right to us, so we were fully prepared with knowledge and we had faith that this was the way it ought to be. No outside people, no monitors or artificial lights, no dogma, no interventions, and no fear.

As I fell asleep the night before the birth, I was feeling grateful – very blessed. We had just made a big leap in our lives, from living in a house to living in a tiny camper-trailer, trying to live simpler and save some cash. We were living the life we wanted, and that’s very fulfilling.

(It was hard, but it was good. We hauled all of our own drinking water and had access to a frost-free valve and hose about 50 feet away. One long extension cord gave us power to run the tiny fridge and 4 light bulbs, and we had a gas stove for heating water and cooking. Solar showers kept us clean, and we used a sawdust toilet (see the Humanure book) instead of the trailer toilet tank.)

The birth tub (an Aqua Doula) was set up outside and we had waited anxiously for the water temperature to get up to comfort level. You’re supposed to fill it with warm water, but we had no way of heating that much water other than by the sun, so we filled it with the hose and plugged it in and hoped for the best. It takes a long time for that much water to warm up.

That night I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of the birth happening anytime soon, so when I went to sleep, I was just wishing that I didn’t have to get up so early for work. When my wife woke me up at about 2:30 am, I felt that what she was feeling was only the beginning of a long birth process, and that I should just sleep until things got a little heavier. I did doze off for a while, and then my wife woke me again by saying, “I really think we’ll get to meet our baby soon…” Wow! Hearing that will wake you up pretty quickly.

I started making some tea for us and tried to wake up a bit. I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that this is really happening right now. I run out and check the water temperature and it’s perfect. I feel aware and alert, excited, yet cautious. It seems now to have passed quickly, but at the time there was no time. Everything else ceased to exist.

My wife had made a list for me of things to do or say to her during the birth, so I read it over again and tried to reassure myself that I was as ready as she was.

We hung out inside at first, but then she wanted to be outside to walk and move freely. The pre-dawn mist was breathtaking, and as I looked towards the glow of the sun over the horizon, I knew that I was empty of fear about this birth, that something miraculous was about to happen.

All of a sudden Mama feels sick and needs a bowl. As she throws up, I remember that nausea and transition kind of go together. How could we be that far along already? It’s time to get in the tub.

I bring out towels and robe, water and tea. The warm water felt soothing to her, and a nice contrast to the cool foggy morning. A couple more contractions (rushes) came and went and then she started to get vocal, moaning through the contractions. I attempted to talk lovingly to her, as she had asked of me, but she just needed me to shut up and let her do her thing without words or logic or focusing outside of herself.

At one point she calls out to God, and that moment was so perfect, so divine. The water, the air, the mist, the sunrise, a man and a woman, a baby, and the Creator. I heard her cry sound throughout the universe and knew it was sacred.

I go inside and wake up our 5 year old and dress her and try to prepare her for what’s happening outside. She started chattering excitedly, asking tons of questions, but soon it clicked that this was it, and she settled down and focused on Mama.

All of sudden the baby drops a little and starts to crown – the head comes down, and I reach down to feel my child’s head. It’s really happening! Mama was peaking, having intense sensations, almost over the top, and then the head is out. A pause, and then the body seems to shoot out into the water and Mama’s hands are lifting the baby to the surface. As soon as his face was out of the water, he drew a breath, and our son was here.

My wife turned into a superhero at that moment as she stepped out of the tub, baby held to her chest, and heads straight for our front door. I tried to wrap a towel around her and help her step over the edge of the tub (3 feet tall), but she was in that fierce, focused, mama-state, and didn’t need me to do a thing. Incredible.

We go inside and light some candles and stare at him. He’s so mellow and patient and pink. We hadn’t actually checked for gender yet, so I peeked and then told the girls that a little man was here. We oiled his little buns so the meconium wouldn’t stick, and put a tiny cloth diaper on. He wasn’t really into nursing right away, so we just held him and waited for the placenta to come.

The placenta seemed to take forever to come, but then something shifted and it slid the rest of the way out. We put it in a bowl next to us until the umbilical cord was cold, then I bound and cut the cord. I coiled it on a piece of paper to dry as a keepsake for him, turned around, and saw my wife and daughter and infant son on the bed.

How can we be done already? Less than 4 hours after it began, we’re holding our baby.

Amazing. Perfect. Divine.

We stare at him for hours. I don’t know how we lived without him. It’s as if a long-lost family member returned at last. He latches on and nurses like a seasoned pro, and all is right with our world.

If you are considering giving birth unassisted, make sure you are completely comfortable with it, read everything you can on the subject, talk to others who have also done it (email me if you like at derek (at) naturalpapa.com), and be as prepared as you possibly can. This may mean having a transport plan to get to a medical center if needed, getting friends and family to agree to support you, and having a good understanding of what might need to happen if a complication arises. A great reference book is Spiritual Midwifery – the back half is full of practical birth information and how-to stuff.

More unassisted birth resources:

Photo: author

Fate of Earth – Fate of Birth (video)

Derek Markham — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:12:53 +0000

“This video explores our culture’s dependence on technology – not only do we trust machines more than nature and our capabilities, but we also use machines to shield us from natural passages of life such as birth and death.

A family centered birth experience at home seems to benefit the newborn and reinforces the natural mother-child bond. Since our cultural rituals reflect and shape our cultural values, changing our childbirth rituals to celebrate nature could enhance our valuing of the Earth.”

Review of Homebirth Dads Video

Derek Markham — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:11:21 +0000

If you’ve been reading Natural Papa for a while, you know that homebirth is something I like to talk about and to promote.

Not because it’s for everyone, but because I feel that homebirth is a viable option for many couples, and I see the need for more resources for dads who are interested in it (or whose wives are leaning that way and who may not be comfortable with the idea).

One of the people I found to participate in the Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions series was Jorge Cuevas, who produced the Homebirth Dads video. He was kind enough to send me a review copy of the DVD, and I’d like to share my opinion of it with you.

Homebirth Dads is a great introduction to the idea and experience of homebirth, told through the words of fathers. It’s about an hour long, and six dads are interviewed, with each one answering the same set of questions. The questions are remarkably similar to those I asked in my 10 Questions series, even though I had never seen the video before I formulated them. I think that really speaks to the universality of the questions that dads have about homebirth.

The questions discussed in the video range from “Whose idea was it to have a homebirth?” and  ”Does insurance cover homebirth?” to “What was your role during the birth?” and “How did you decide on a midwife?” In all, I believe there were 18 questions, and I really feel that the video would be useful to any father-to-be, or an experienced father who is considering a homebirth with his wife.

One of the highlights for me was when one of the dads was speaking about the feeling of catching his child, and his face lit up as he answered. The tears in his eyes helped to capture the incredibly powerful experience of birth in general, and homebirth in particular. Another moment that was especially poignant was when the men spoke about how they viewed their wives so much differently during and after the birth, speaking with admiration and love for the power and surrender that every birthing woman has within.

The transitions between interview answers are photos of the men with their children, either right after birth, or sometime later (with the baby asleep on their chest or something similar). Probably the most powerful photo that I saw was of a dad kissing his newborn, and a look of absolute love and amazement on his face. You could tell that he was just blown away by the experience. I think that seeing men in that most vulnerable place of caring for, and loving, these tiny new beings, our flesh and blood, is a riveting visual, an example of the dichotomy that makes a man a dad: strong, yet ultimately soft and compassionate. I would like to see more of that in our culture.

If you’re searching for a gift for the man in your life, or you’re a dad considering homebirth but have many questions, the Homebirth Dads video is a great choice. It’s available at HomebirthDads.com, and for only $25, it’s a sweet deal.

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jerry Shannon

Derek Markham — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:08:29 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Jerry Shannon

Jerry is a graduate student in Geography at the University of Minnesota and an active dad of two sons. His wife Sarah helps lead the local chapter of the International Cesarean Network (ICAN).

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

We chose homebirth because it was the only situation that we felt would assure my wife, Sarah, a chance to have the birth she wanted. Our first child was born by cesarean section after a series of medical interventions. After talking with several OBs and midwives in the area, it was clear that any hospital birth would be highly monitored and that the specter of another cesarean would always be in the background. Doing a homebirth was the only way out of that system.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was Sarah’s idea originally. I had some concerns both about safety and the cost, since insurance probably wouldn’t cover it. After reading through some of the research, my fears about safety got a lot less. This second child will be our last one, and this was an important enough event that we found money to cover the cost.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Sarah showed me several articles, none of which I can recall specifically. We watched the Business of Being Born, which was also helpful. Interviewing homebirth midwives influenced my decision, too. The midwife we worked with had attended hundreds of births as a doula and had done over a hundred as a midwife, so I felt confident that she knew what she was doing.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

There’s the obvious fears of complications, uterine rupture or hemorrhaging specifically. We live less than 5 minutes from an emergency room, which helped make me feel better about that. The birth went perfectly, and I’d say afterwards that as long as there is a backup plan if complications arise, I’d feel no fear in choosing this again. I also was nervous about being on our own so soon after the birth, but honestly, it was much easier being at home in our own space and not having to worry about the hassle of finding food/setting up the hospital room/etc. It probably helped that this was our second child.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I’m not sure what advice I wish I’d had. While I was initially skeptical, I’ve been converted to the virtues of homebirth. It was much more comfortable and less stressful than our first birth. And I think it’s really important that Sarah was able to choose the birth she wanted.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I’m kind of a doer, so it was hard for me to sit still and just hold Sarah’s hand for much of the labor. She had to tell me to stop talking more than once. I wanted to be helpful, but the most important thing was to be present as an emotional support for her.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Men in my family supported our decision, but I could tell that everyone was nervous about not being in the hospital. I wouldn’t say my guy friends disapproved. But this was definitely something we were choosing on our own. Our main support came from ICAN–the cesarean support group that Sarah’s been a part of.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

The interaction with the midwife and her assistant was great. For the first hour or two of the labor they were busy getting the supplies set up. Getting the birth tub to the right temperature was difficult, since our hot water heater kept running out. But we just kept working at it until it was at a temperature she felt comfortable with. Our birth went from midnight to 7 am, and the predawn hours were pretty quiet for everyone. We just sat around the birth tub and tried to be supportive of Sarah as she labored.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

For Sarah, having the successful HBAC was huge. I think the fact that we both decided on it together, largely on our own initiative, definitely strengthened our relationship.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

No question. I’m a homebirth evangelist. Obviously, there are cases where closer medical supervision is necessary. But given the lower cost of homebirth and the fact that it was way more comfortable to be in our own space, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it again.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

Birth is an emotionally intense experience. Being able to do it on our terms made it all the more significant–this process was so much more empowering than a hospital birth. It’s also cool to be able to walk through our dining room and point to the exact spot our son entered the world.

[Wow, another successful homebirth after cesarean (HBAC)! Thank you, Jerry, for being willing to share your story. Readers - if you know any other homebirth dads who would like to share their answers for this 10 Questions series, contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: schmollmolch at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jason Palmer

Derek Markham — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:26:37 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Jason Palmer

Jason Palmer is the husband of Marisa, who blogs at Mama Needs A Hobby. Jason is a hard worker, skateboarder and loving dad to 2 little ones – a hospital birth and a home birth v/hbac.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife felt very strongly about it after our first sons birth was a hospital birth that left her very unhappy with hospitals. I felt that she was strong enough and I believe in her.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s, I believe in her and I knew it was something she could do. She was cheated with our first sons birth as I previously mentioned in question #1 and she felt very strongly about it.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

I didn’t really read anything; I went through the hospital birth. We did Lamaze beforehand and were prepared for a natural birth that way. Unfortunately it didn’t happen to be a vaginal birth but an unneeded c-section. She also had me watch The Business of Being Born, which I believed half the births in the hospital don’t need to be there. Which helped lead us to a home birth.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

The what ifs are always a fear of mine. My birth had been complicated (cord wrapped around my neck and I was month late, meconium poisoning. This was in 1980 as well) so that played a large role in the fear that I had. Before I knew the facts about VBACs I was very on the fence about the whole home birth experience. After the birth, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It was magical. It was the total 180 degrees experience that I had at the hospital with our older son. When you’re at home, the home setting, it relaxes you in a certain way. That you’re at home, you’re comfortable, she was comfortable. It all just felt right. It’s like they say, There’s no place like home.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I can’t think of anything that I had wished anyone had told me before had honestly. Oh wait, just like in a hospital, when she says to shut up you should shut up! The advice I would give to a first time home birth dad is to be as helpful as you can be. You are your spouses’ main support. To do the best that you can to make the day for her even more special.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

The very end, because watching her work that hard it’s just a strain to watch her go through that and not be able to step in for her or take the pain away. I felt very useless at that point even though I know I was very helpful.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Where we live, I don’t really have any close friends. They’re all hours away from here so support was very limited when we did get to talk. Something like these questions, from another guys perspective would have helped me big time. It would have helped calm fears and nerves.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

From the minute we walked into her home office I felt welcome. She was more of a friend then someone we were paying to deliver our child. Nothing could have made it better. We lucked out with an awesome midwife.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I will always think of it as something we did together with little outside help. I will always consider it one of our greatest adventures of our story together.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Absolutely. Since I have experienced both a hospital birth and a home birth, I would consider home birth the hands down way to go.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

I am not a very emotional/spiritual person; I can say that there is no other feeling quite like it. It felt like a long, scary waiting a game – but at the end you get a piece of you and in a split second you know you’d give your life for theirs.

[Thanks for your answers, Jason. I'm always jazzed to hear about vaginal home births after c-section (VBAC), because many think it's not an option. Readers, if you know any other homebirth dads that would like to participate in the 10 Questions series, contact me - derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: bjora857 at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Chris Byrne

Derek Markham — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:25:16 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Chris Byrne

Chris is an independent sustainability consultant and papa of two wonderful children, both born at home. He lives with his children and wife in Western Massachusetts. Follow him on Twitter: @byrnegreen

1. Why did you choose homebirth? 2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

We were always clear that we intended homebirth. I had to ask my wife to help me recollect when we had ‘made’ the decision for our daughter, who was born first. I remember making decisions about the homebirth, but not about the choice to have a homebirth. It was probably brought up first by my partner, and it was just a non-decision, we both thought “of course”. That was just a natural extension of our values as individuals, partners, and a soon to be family.

I feel lucky that my partner and I are so aligned on what we feel and think is best for the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of our children and family. So many couples I’ve seen go through a huge process around topics like birth and circumcision and vaccinations. We’re lucky to share essentially identical values in those regards.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

There’s a funny story about our first labor, the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May, and my wife cursing like a truck driver that I’ll save, but one resource that made a great impression on me was the film Birth Into Being (Birth As We Know It) by Elena Tonetti

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Well, of course I wanted my partner and baby to be healthy. I had a resistance to the potential of fatigue for her (and me) and the pain and the potential of having to “transport” (to the hospital), but mostly i was looking forward to the awe of the event, and the intimate afterglow.

Part of the way we were able to relax into that space was that we had sought a great deal of education and done a lot of process around the birth. We knew what common issues were, and how to be prepared for them. We had a well thought out plan for having our children at home, and had thought considerably prior to labor what would be acceptable to us to face at home, and at what point if necessary we were prepared to transport to the hospital if any complications deemed it necessary for the health of baby or mother. We intended a healthy birth, and we intended for that birth to be at home, which they were. Both times were beautiful and yet extremely different from one another.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

There is a primal threshold that the woman straddles in a birth, especially one that is open and not overly medicalized. My love describes it as going to the edge of the life / death veil and bringing the baby back into this realm. In my experience, the role of the papa or whomever else is the mama’s advocate is to be the warrior and protect the nest, and the mama and baby.

So the job of this person–be it in a hospital or at home–is to be present with the needs of the mama and her team. You are the guardian that allows the mama to put her guard down and focus on bringing the baby through. This goes for the physical space, but also for vibes. You are there to protect the emotional bodies and (if you believe) the subtle energies of the room as well as making sure the physical realm (warmth, water, safety, etc) is addressed. If someone that is attending (a friend or family member) is not comfortable (being overly anxious, for example), then it is your role (I believe) to make them aware that their issues are affecting the space and give them the opportunity to shift or leave. The mother relaxing is the most important jewel to protect, and that is your primary role.

Oh, and if you can, clear as much time as you can after the birth. The bliss lingers, and it is a great way to bond with your new family.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

My wife had been experiencing some excruciating “back labor”. The pain was incredible (not the pleasurable birth the second was to be) and my wife was meeting the pain–understandably–with cries of “it’s to much” and “I can’t take it” with each contraction. I decided after some consideration and sell-consciousness that I was about to confront the birthing lioness herself, to go into the bathroom, where she was standing in the shower trying to get some relief between contractions. It was the morning, and she had been going all night and it seemed there was still a way to go. The midwife had already spoken with me outside and expressed that she felt that if something did not shift soon she could not see my partner having the stamina to birth at home and that we would have to go to the hospital and allow them to intervene.

I walked into the room and said “listen love, I know that I am a man and I have no right to tell you about how to birth this baby but I really need to reflect something to you.” After some choice words about where I could choose to stick my opinion, I continued. “What I hear you saying is that you can’t take it. That it is too much to bear. And if that is the case that is fine and we will – without judgement – go to the hospital and get some help with the pain.” We both knew this was not what we wanted, but I believe speaking to this potential was a huge wake up. “The image that keeps coming to me” I continued” is of a swimmer in the break zone. You either need to swim out past the crashing waves or come into shore, but if you just hang out there you are going to drown. Either meet this pain or we need to do something else to help you shift, for your sake and that of the baby.”

I said that to her on my way out to her acupuncturist for some St John’s Wort oil for her sacrum for the pain, and when I returned, she was like a warrior goddess, in this deep, centered, beautiful zone. The intense pain was still there, I could tell, but the experience was entirely different. My beloved credits that moment as one where the birth turned a critical corner and allowed her to give birth to our daughter at home.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

I did not have deep support during the first birth, which is probably a popular and equally tragic experience of our culture. I was younger and still on the cusp of finding myself, and most of my support came through classes and some friendships and friendly advice, but no real male mentor culture existed to steward me through the transition.

During the second pregnancy, I had been sitting with an inter-generational circle of 15 men going through a process of initiation that paralleled the pregnancy. In that process I (and the others) did deep shadow work and also looked at cultural and practical issues of being a provider for children and family in this modern life. It was very helpful. The week after my son was born, the men came in the dawn hour and sang to my son and then we all went out and chopped the winter’s firewood. All families should have that sort of support.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

I think it is very important for the partner to attend as many of the pre-birth appointments as possible. This way, I had a relationship with the midwife prior to the birth. I was familiar with her and she was familiar with me and our approach and flavor as as partnership. We had great midwives.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

We trust each other very deeply, and I believe our births have been a huge medicine for deepening that trust. We have seen each other at our strongest and most vulnerable and most challenged, and witnessed the power of the other at their best, and shared one of the most intimate spaces I think possible in this human experience: conscious birth.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Well, we are clear that our family is complete and whole with respect to having any more children. However, if we were to have another birth, I couldn’t think of any other way I would rather welcome another soul to this planet.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

My 3 1/2 year old daughter was brought down from her bed at 1:30am and met and held her brother as he was still connected to his placenta that was inside my wife. (Contrast that with a picture I saw on Facebook that made me cry of a brother “meeting” his newborn sister–days later–through glass.)

The newness and stillness of being beside the fire on that cold October night remains one of the most expansive moments of connection to source I have ever experienced. Same with the days after the birth of my daughter. During the second, my wife had been in pre-labor for the better part of two weeks, and before she went to bed that night, we anointed each other with specific oils for different intentions on the crown, heart, ankles, and feet. She came down a few hours later, and the final labor had begun.

Our son came in on his own, without so much as a push from my beloved, and the experience was a romantic and blissful celebration of our love, our parenting, our family, and the great mystery of life on Earth. I don’t believe this is held in the forefront in a hospital, if it is noticed at all in the sterile fluorescent birth-as-medical-condition experience. At home, I couldn’t help but notice it. I couldn’t help but be in the center of it, the whole time, a glow.

[Thank you, Chris! You're the only homebirth dad I've talked to that had some support or validation from your guy friends - I really like the visual I get when thinking of a group of men coming at dawn to sing to your son and then going out to chop firewood. Very cool.]

Image: Robert S. Donovan at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jorge T. Cuevas

Derek Markham — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:47:02 +0000

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jorge T. Cuevas

Jorge T. Cuevas is the husband of a homebirth midwife, father of two homebirths, and video producer of “Homebirth Dads: The Dad’s Perspective On Homebirthing“.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife is a homebirth midwife, so there was no other choice that we felt more comfortable with.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea. My wife began educating me about homebirth from the moment we met.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

12 years ago, I actually didn’t find any resources specifically for the dads before my children were born, which is why I produced the video “Homebirth Dads: The Dad’s Perspective On Homebirthing“.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)?

Whether we would have to transfer to the hospital.

How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Everything went well, so we never had to think about it.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I just wanted to hear from other men about their experiences. Talk to as many homebirth dads as possible, and ask as many questions that you can. The more that you know as to what to expect, the more prepared you’ll feel. If you don’t have homebirth dads that you can talk to in your area, now there are more resources available specifically for dads.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

Trying to physically support my wife in some very uncomfortable positions for a long time.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends?

None of my male friends had homebirths.

If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Answers from other homebirth dads to these questions, and similar questions that I posed to the homebirth dads on the Homebirth Dads video.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

My interaction with the midwife was fine the way it was.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I certainly appreciated what my wife went through to birth 2 beautiful healthy children.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Both of our children were born at home, and I will always recommend it, as long as the mother is healthy.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

The first homebirth was more emotional because it was a completely new experience.

[Thank you, Jorge. I'm looking forward to watching your video and will post a review here when I do.]

Image: Weird Beard at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Philip

Derek Markham — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:12:11 +0000

[This is the latest in the Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions series.]

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Philip P.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

I was reluctant at first, but my wife was very much in favor of it. During her pregnancy we moved to a much more homebirth-friendly state, which also helped a great deal.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

My wife was definitely the one who wanted a homebirth. I came to realize that it was important that she be comfortable with her birth plan, and that the best thing I could do was to support her in her decisions. As we got to meet the midwives, I got more and more comfortable with the decision.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Can’t think of any specifically. My wife was giving me a lot of information as we went along.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

I was worried about complications and things that might happen. A lot of unfounded worry, but most of our (especially men’s) understanding of birth comes from media representations. And those are fiction.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

“The baby is likely to come at night.”

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I don’t think anything about the birth itself was too challenging for me. We were not in our own house at the time, since we were in the process of moving, so the dynamics of that (and trying to keep the birth from ‘intruding’ too much) was hard.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Not particularly.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

With our younger son, my wife was already an apprentice midwife, so we knew them not only as her midwives, but also as her friends and mentors.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Having a homebirth led to my wife becoming a doula and then a midwife, so I am now a midwife’s husband, and have become accustomed to late night phone calls and my wife taking off at odd hours.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

If we had any more children, they would certainly be born at home.

[Thank you, Philip. If any other homebirth dads wish to participate, simply email me the answers along with a brief bio to derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: doug88888 at Flickr

Natural Papa » homebirth

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