Natural Papa » birth

Couple to Live-Stream their Waterbirth

Derek Markham — Fri, 07 May 2010 17:06:55 +0000

Known only as “Shawna & Ernie”, these parents are sharing the birth of their daughter, a waterbirth planned at the AquaNatal Birth Center, with the world via live internet video streaming. Their baby is “due” on or around May 24th.

“Our goal in sharing the birth of our daughter is to show women everywhere how safely and sanely a baby can be born outside of the hospital,” explains Shawna, the mother giving birth online. “My first labor and birth were quick, easy, and I didn’t like being told I could not move around, that I had to have an IV (intravenous line). The doctor and nurses made me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing – but I did know”

“My wife and I are very concerned about the increasing c-section rate in our community, how almost every labor is now induced with drugs, and how women in our families and our community have been scared into unnecessary epidurals and surgeries here,” added Ernie, the father who is assisting his wife in this labor. “With our son’s birth three years ago I was barely allowed in the room – this time I’m helping my wife give birth.”

Two-fer Tuesday: Circumcising Your Daughter, and the Optimal Number of Kids

Derek Markham — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:31:19 +0000

Because there are so many other writers, both dads and moms, writing about great parenting topics each week, I thought I’d start sharing two links to ‘must-read’ articles each Tuesday (hence the name Two-fer Tuesday).

This week, we’ll take a look at what it would be like to consider circumcision for your daughter, and then we’ll show you how to figure out the optimal number of children for you.

From Woman Uncensored, things that make you go hmm:

“I was talking with a guy friend of mine who’d recently had his first child: a perfect baby girl. He chatted happily about the joys of being a new parent, and then mentioned an upcoming appointment. “Oh, just a usual checkup?” I asked casually. “No, its time for her snip-snip” he replied, equally casually. I was confused. “You know, her circumcision of course”, my friend clarified. Oh, right… that. I asked how he and his wife had come to the decision to have the procedure done on their daughter. Now it was my friend’s turn to look confused. “Well, everyone does it, don’t they?”. “Far from it, actually.” I replied. “But I’m interested in your reasons, so go on”. And he did.”

Now, that post will make you think a bit before making the decision to circumcise your boys…

And from the Parenting Pit, some help deciding how many kids to have:

“Sick of the dilemma? Not sure whether to pass on the baby clothes yet? Finally here at the Parenting Pit we have established a scientific, fool proof method of determining how many children you should have.”

You’ll simply determine what to use for variables, and then plug them into this equation:

Simple, ain’t it?

Image: Randy Son of Robert at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Adam Pedley

Derek Markham — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 07:33:22 +0000

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Adam Pedley

Adam Pedley is a father of 2 boys and is in the business of helping others. One of the support groups he runs with his wife is Home Birth My Birth.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

Well, I didn’t choose homebirth, my wife did. My wife had an unpleasant experience in hospital and didn’t want to go back there again.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea. My first reaction was a look of confusion. For me I only knew that babies were born in hospital and I didn’t even think you were allowed to give birth at home. After my wife gave me more information on home birth I became a little more open to the idea. I don’t think I actually had a choice, so I had to agree.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Well, to be honest my wife was the one giving me the information, I didn’t actually look up anything myself. My wife read many articles and books on the subject and always discussed it with me while she was reading them. Some of the books that my wife did find useful and interesting were by Michel Odent. He was the man who pioneered water birth in western society.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

The main fear of a homebirth was what if something went wrong. It seems to be a common theme that runs through anyone first introduced to home birthing. The main thing that got me through those fears was learning that the midwife was medically trained and if an emergency did occur, even though highly unlikely, we would just go to the hospital.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I think I was told everything before the homebirth so I was quite relaxed during the whole birth.

For first time homebirth dads I would say that homebirths are natural and the way it has been done for most generations before us whereas hospital births are relatively new. If there is a problem (and that would be very rare) it’s only a short trip to hospital. Also complications during birth don’t happen within minutes, any warning signs are there well in advance, normally before labor starts. There are so many advantages for everyone with a homebirth I wouldn’t have enough time to list them.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I actually found it very easy. My wife always laughs when I say to others that the birth was very easy. I think I was just running on adrenalin during the birth as it occurred early morning yet I felt exhilarated.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

All of my guy friends were either single or had no children. Many found it astounding that my wife was going to give birth at home in water and they generally just displayed fear at the concept.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

The midwife was great during the birth. She left my wife to birth how she wanted and just checked up on a few things during the labor. It was great just having someone there making sure everything is ok and reassuring my wife if needed.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Our relationship has stayed the same, though we were a lot more relaxed and closer after the birth, than after the birth in hospital.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

I wouldn’t do it any other way now. It was such a peaceful birth, both the baby and mother were happy and relaxed and so was I. I remember when he was born. He came out, arms wide open and looking up at us as he floated in the birth pool. It was an amazing experience.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

It was an exciting and joyous moment when my son entered the world. Having a water birth at home was very relaxing and it was great to be having a birth the way my wife wanted. I was very proud of my wife.

[Thank you, Adam, for being willing to share your homebirth experience with us. It's always good for fathers to share their stories, as I don't think it happens enough, especially when it comes to birth. Readers: If you know any other homebirth dads who would like to share their answers for this 10 Questions series, please have them contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: christine [cbszeto] at Flickr

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:00:12 +0000

[I've had a great bunch of fathers answer these questions about dads and homebirth already, but I haven't taken the time to answer them myself until now. Here's my contribution to the 10 Questions series.]

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Derek Markham

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife’s mother had homebirths with her last two children, so my wife got to experience it as a kid by watching her mother give birth at home. She was convinced that was the way to go for her, and I trusted her intuition and comfort level with it. I had never been exposed to homebirth before, as my mother always had hospital births.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea, and because I wanted her to have the birth experience that she felt most comfortable with, I read up on it and asked a bunch of questions until I felt comfortable with a homebirth as well. It also appealed to me because I tend to be very independent and a do-it-yourself kind of guy.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Spiritual Midwifery had the best info for both of us. For her, it was all of the birth stories – the emotional and spiritual aspect to birth. For me, it was the specific details about birth in the back of the book that I needed to read and learn about. I didn’t ever find a homebirth book that specifically spoke to dads, unfortunately. We also watched a number of homebirth videos together, which somehow made it more real – watching someone else do it.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Before the first homebirth, I had the usual fears about the health of my wife – would she be ok, would we have to be transported to the hospital, issues like that. I didn’t really fear for the baby, but perhaps that’s because the baby didn’t seem as real – it was just a belly to me, not a baby yet. During subsequent homebirths, I definitely had the baby’s health and safety on my mind as well.

I had been to two hospital births before, so I only had that to compare to (which is more than many first-time dads). Because hospital births had roomfuls of equipment and we didn’t at a homebirth, I think there was a bit of the male ‘gadget dependence’ on my mind. The truth is, you don’t need much to have a birth – all of the stuff at the hospital is ‘just in case’.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I wish that someone had told me how to more fully support my wife during labor, instead of trying to talk to her so much. I was trying to make the birth experience an intellectual one instead of an emotional and spiritual one, and had a hard time getting into the flow of birth.

My advice to first time homebirth dads is to remember who is giving birth, and to completely give yourself over to making her feel loved, supported, and comforted. And also to realize that a big part of giving birth is the primal knowledge that a woman’s body inherently has, without her having to learn it.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I think the most difficult part for me, mentally, has been when the baby is crowning (the head is right there, but still inside). My mechanical side thinks “There’s no way the entire body is going to fit through there,” and yet it does, as the human body is an amazing creation.

Another part that can be emotionally difficult is when she enters the transition stage – being fully dilated and the contractions are coming on strong. It’s hard to see your wife under such conditions, as you want to relieve their pain or discomfort, yet there’s really nothing you can do.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

I haven’t ever had support from my men friends during a birth. We’ve never told anyone outside the family when my wife goes into labor. Perhaps if we did, we would have emotional support via prayers and focused intentions.

We have invited men to my wife’s Blessing Way ceremony before the birth, to try to involve them, but the reality is that birth is still predominantly a woman’s world. I don’t know that having my guy friends around would have helped me any, as my attention is focused almost entirely on my wife during birth.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

I have never had to deal with interacting with a midwife other than with our first – We’ve had 3 unassisted homebirths (unattended by a midwife), but our first child was a planned homebirth that ended up in an early induced hospital birth (due to preeclampsia/toxemia). That birth was tough, as our midwife was there, but the OB/GYN was really in charge, and we didn’t really know her beforehand.

I recommend getting comfortable with the midwife before the birth, perhaps with some social interaction and not just visits on a professional level. It will help with the birth experience if you feel at ease with her. Having a doula can also be a very positive addition during a homebirth, and so can a very close friend.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Giving birth together at home (actually, just giving birth together anywhere) is a fantastically bonding experience for a couple. We’ve definitely grown closer each time, and it gives me a greater appreciation for her as I watch her go through the experience.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

We definitely will always choose homebirth. The only thing that would change that would be if there was something that put us into a higher risk category – we would never try another homebirth if we knew there was a factor outside of our control that would endanger my wife or child.

After three perfect homebirths, I can say that for us, it’s the best way.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

Watching my children get born is one of the most incredible experiences I’ve ever had. It’s almost indescribable. This tiny being, who is helpless without you, is suddenly a part of your life, and once you see them, you can’t imagine life without them. It is quite like an instant heart connection, as if they’ve always been there.

***

Here’s a shot of the birth tub we used when our (now) 4 year old was born – in a tipi in our yard:

Images: Author

Unassisted Birth: A Father’s Experience

Derek Markham — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:30:00 +0000

There’s been some very negative coverage of unassisted homebirths that ended in tragedy recently, so I’d love to share one of our homebirth stories with you to show the other side of giving birth unassisted.

For those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to giving birth without a midwife, doula, or other medical assistance – just the mother and father. Sometimes it’s referred to as “free-birth”.

We chose to have our last 3 children unassisted, at home, because we felt very comfortable with it and had done all of our homework. It’s not for everyone, so please don’t think I am trying to convince you to do the same. It’s a very personal decision, and a big one.

This unassisted birth story is about our second child. He had an amazing birth, picture-perfect, and it was a transformative experience for us. I wrote a couple of pages in my journal about it afterward, and feel that by sharing it here, perhaps it would be inspiring to others. This is the condensed version – I won’t subject you to the full rambling entry.

We knew we wanted to give birth without a doula or midwife and that felt right to us, so we were fully prepared with knowledge and we had faith that this was the way it ought to be. No outside people, no monitors or artificial lights, no dogma, no interventions, and no fear.

As I fell asleep the night before the birth, I was feeling grateful – very blessed. We had just made a big leap in our lives, from living in a house to living in a tiny camper-trailer, trying to live simpler and save some cash. We were living the life we wanted, and that’s very fulfilling.

(It was hard, but it was good. We hauled all of our own drinking water and had access to a frost-free valve and hose about 50 feet away. One long extension cord gave us power to run the tiny fridge and 4 light bulbs, and we had a gas stove for heating water and cooking. Solar showers kept us clean, and we used a sawdust toilet (see the Humanure book) instead of the trailer toilet tank.)

The birth tub (an Aqua Doula) was set up outside and we had waited anxiously for the water temperature to get up to comfort level. You’re supposed to fill it with warm water, but we had no way of heating that much water other than by the sun, so we filled it with the hose and plugged it in and hoped for the best. It takes a long time for that much water to warm up.

That night I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of the birth happening anytime soon, so when I went to sleep, I was just wishing that I didn’t have to get up so early for work. When my wife woke me up at about 2:30 am, I felt that what she was feeling was only the beginning of a long birth process, and that I should just sleep until things got a little heavier. I did doze off for a while, and then my wife woke me again by saying, “I really think we’ll get to meet our baby soon…” Wow! Hearing that will wake you up pretty quickly.

I started making some tea for us and tried to wake up a bit. I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that this is really happening right now. I run out and check the water temperature and it’s perfect. I feel aware and alert, excited, yet cautious. It seems now to have passed quickly, but at the time there was no time. Everything else ceased to exist.

My wife had made a list for me of things to do or say to her during the birth, so I read it over again and tried to reassure myself that I was as ready as she was.

We hung out inside at first, but then she wanted to be outside to walk and move freely. The pre-dawn mist was breathtaking, and as I looked towards the glow of the sun over the horizon, I knew that I was empty of fear about this birth, that something miraculous was about to happen.

All of a sudden Mama feels sick and needs a bowl. As she throws up, I remember that nausea and transition kind of go together. How could we be that far along already? It’s time to get in the tub.

I bring out towels and robe, water and tea. The warm water felt soothing to her, and a nice contrast to the cool foggy morning. A couple more contractions (rushes) came and went and then she started to get vocal, moaning through the contractions. I attempted to talk lovingly to her, as she had asked of me, but she just needed me to shut up and let her do her thing without words or logic or focusing outside of herself.

At one point she calls out to God, and that moment was so perfect, so divine. The water, the air, the mist, the sunrise, a man and a woman, a baby, and the Creator. I heard her cry sound throughout the universe and knew it was sacred.

I go inside and wake up our 5 year old and dress her and try to prepare her for what’s happening outside. She started chattering excitedly, asking tons of questions, but soon it clicked that this was it, and she settled down and focused on Mama.

All of sudden the baby drops a little and starts to crown – the head comes down, and I reach down to feel my child’s head. It’s really happening! Mama was peaking, having intense sensations, almost over the top, and then the head is out. A pause, and then the body seems to shoot out into the water and Mama’s hands are lifting the baby to the surface. As soon as his face was out of the water, he drew a breath, and our son was here.

My wife turned into a superhero at that moment as she stepped out of the tub, baby held to her chest, and heads straight for our front door. I tried to wrap a towel around her and help her step over the edge of the tub (3 feet tall), but she was in that fierce, focused, mama-state, and didn’t need me to do a thing. Incredible.

We go inside and light some candles and stare at him. He’s so mellow and patient and pink. We hadn’t actually checked for gender yet, so I peeked and then told the girls that a little man was here. We oiled his little buns so the meconium wouldn’t stick, and put a tiny cloth diaper on. He wasn’t really into nursing right away, so we just held him and waited for the placenta to come.

The placenta seemed to take forever to come, but then something shifted and it slid the rest of the way out. We put it in a bowl next to us until the umbilical cord was cold, then I bound and cut the cord. I coiled it on a piece of paper to dry as a keepsake for him, turned around, and saw my wife and daughter and infant son on the bed.

How can we be done already? Less than 4 hours after it began, we’re holding our baby.

Amazing. Perfect. Divine.

We stare at him for hours. I don’t know how we lived without him. It’s as if a long-lost family member returned at last. He latches on and nurses like a seasoned pro, and all is right with our world.

If you are considering giving birth unassisted, make sure you are completely comfortable with it, read everything you can on the subject, talk to others who have also done it (email me if you like at derek (at) naturalpapa.com), and be as prepared as you possibly can. This may mean having a transport plan to get to a medical center if needed, getting friends and family to agree to support you, and having a good understanding of what might need to happen if a complication arises. A great reference book is Spiritual Midwifery – the back half is full of practical birth information and how-to stuff.

More unassisted birth resources:

Photo: author

Fate of Earth – Fate of Birth (video)

Derek Markham — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:12:53 +0000

“This video explores our culture’s dependence on technology – not only do we trust machines more than nature and our capabilities, but we also use machines to shield us from natural passages of life such as birth and death.

A family centered birth experience at home seems to benefit the newborn and reinforces the natural mother-child bond. Since our cultural rituals reflect and shape our cultural values, changing our childbirth rituals to celebrate nature could enhance our valuing of the Earth.”

4 Tips for New Dads: Nurture Your Partner

Derek Markham — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 03:27:10 +0000

There’s a saying: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”

I used to think it was just funny, until having kids. Now I see the truth in it.

When a woman is pregnant and her body is working overtime, she’ll love it if you take the time to nurture her. A lot of first-time fathers don’t fully understand the changes that are happening to their partner, and it can be tough to remember to take the time to nurture and embrace her.

Picking up after yourself will help, but I’m really not talking about the house…

I’m talking about your partner and her needs.

4 Nurturing Tips for New Dads

1. Touch her. Give her a massage, even if you only have fifteen minutes. Starting with the neck and upper back, move to working on her hips and the back of the pelvis, and end with a foot rub. You don’t need massage experience for this, just some strong hands, some willingness, and some love. For extra points, heat some water for a foot bath, add a couple of drops of lavender oil, or rose petals if you’ve got them, and let her soak her feet while you listen to how her day went. If you listen to her, she’ll listen to you. It works both ways.

2. Make some pregnancy or nursing tea for her every day. Use 1 part nettles, 1 part alfalfa, 2 parts raspberry leaf, and peppermint to taste (1/4 part). Let it steep for 10 minutes, strain and serve with honey. Make it a ritual, a way to connect with that little bean of yours growing inside her. The tea nurtures her body, and the act will nurture your relationship. I have always made it for my wife in the evening, and we can share how our days went and sip tea together.

3. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her you love her. Tell her that she’s radiant. Say thank you for being the mother of your child. You could even try to tell her that you like her outfit, but you’re on your own there… I think every woman wants to hear her lover tell her she’s beautiful, and by telling her that when she’s pregnant, you will do wonders for your relationship.

4. Read the birth books and parenting and pregnancy books that she’s been reading, so you can be in the know about all of the changes that are a part of this miracle. I enjoyed reading Spiritual Midwifery, and found that I spent more time looking at the reference stuff in the back than the stories in the front. I wanted to know it happened, and what and when to expect things during birth. I wanted details. My wife wanted to know experiences and feelings and stories. If you both read them, you’ll have a reference. You’ll speak the same language. And that’s half the battle in any relationship.

I have learned that it takes an effort to remember to do these things regularly, but when I do, it makes for a happy, peaceful house, pregnancy, and marriage. Put it on your work calendar, email yourself, or put it on your to-do list- “Nurture the mother of my child. Next action: Make tea and give backrub.”

Show her that you cherish her every day, meet her needs, and you’ll find that yours will be met as well.

Natural Papa » birth

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