10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Jerry Shannon

Jerry is a graduate student in Geography at the University of Minnesota and an active dad of two sons. His wife Sarah helps lead the local chapter of the International Cesarean Network (ICAN).

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

We chose homebirth because it was the only situation that we felt would assure my wife, Sarah, a chance to have the birth she wanted. Our first child was born by cesarean section after a series of medical interventions. After talking with several OBs and midwives in the area, it was clear that any hospital birth would be highly monitored and that the specter of another cesarean would always be in the background. Doing a homebirth was the only way out of that system.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was Sarah’s idea originally. I had some concerns both about safety and the cost, since insurance probably wouldn’t cover it. After reading through some of the research, my fears about safety got a lot less. This second child will be our last one, and this was an important enough event that we found money to cover the cost.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Sarah showed me several articles, none of which I can recall specifically. We watched the Business of Being Born, which was also helpful. Interviewing homebirth midwives influenced my decision, too. The midwife we worked with had attended hundreds of births as a doula and had done over a hundred as a midwife, so I felt confident that she knew what she was doing.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

There’s the obvious fears of complications, uterine rupture or hemorrhaging specifically. We live less than 5 minutes from an emergency room, which helped make me feel better about that. The birth went perfectly, and I’d say afterwards that as long as there is a backup plan if complications arise, I’d feel no fear in choosing this again. I also was nervous about being on our own so soon after the birth, but honestly, it was much easier being at home in our own space and not having to worry about the hassle of finding food/setting up the hospital room/etc. It probably helped that this was our second child.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I’m not sure what advice I wish I’d had. While I was initially skeptical, I’ve been converted to the virtues of homebirth. It was much more comfortable and less stressful than our first birth. And I think it’s really important that Sarah was able to choose the birth she wanted.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I’m kind of a doer, so it was hard for me to sit still and just hold Sarah’s hand for much of the labor. She had to tell me to stop talking more than once. I wanted to be helpful, but the most important thing was to be present as an emotional support for her.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Men in my family supported our decision, but I could tell that everyone was nervous about not being in the hospital. I wouldn’t say my guy friends disapproved. But this was definitely something we were choosing on our own. Our main support came from ICAN–the cesarean support group that Sarah’s been a part of.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

The interaction with the midwife and her assistant was great. For the first hour or two of the labor they were busy getting the supplies set up. Getting the birth tub to the right temperature was difficult, since our hot water heater kept running out. But we just kept working at it until it was at a temperature she felt comfortable with. Our birth went from midnight to 7 am, and the predawn hours were pretty quiet for everyone. We just sat around the birth tub and tried to be supportive of Sarah as she labored.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

For Sarah, having the successful HBAC was huge. I think the fact that we both decided on it together, largely on our own initiative, definitely strengthened our relationship.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

No question. I’m a homebirth evangelist. Obviously, there are cases where closer medical supervision is necessary. But given the lower cost of homebirth and the fact that it was way more comfortable to be in our own space, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it again.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

Birth is an emotionally intense experience. Being able to do it on our terms made it all the more significant–this process was so much more empowering than a hospital birth. It’s also cool to be able to walk through our dining room and point to the exact spot our son entered the world.

[Wow, another successful homebirth after cesarean (HBAC)! Thank you, Jerry, for being willing to share your story. Readers - if you know any other homebirth dads who would like to share their answers for this 10 Questions series, contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: schmollmolch at Flickr

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10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Jason Palmer

Jason Palmer is the husband of Marisa, who blogs at Mama Needs A Hobby. Jason is a hard worker, skateboarder and loving dad to 2 little ones – a hospital birth and a home birth v/hbac.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife felt very strongly about it after our first sons birth was a hospital birth that left her very unhappy with hospitals. I felt that she was strong enough and I believe in her.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s, I believe in her and I knew it was something she could do. She was cheated with our first sons birth as I previously mentioned in question #1 and she felt very strongly about it.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

I didn’t really read anything; I went through the hospital birth. We did Lamaze beforehand and were prepared for a natural birth that way. Unfortunately it didn’t happen to be a vaginal birth but an unneeded c-section. She also had me watch The Business of Being Born, which I believed half the births in the hospital don’t need to be there. Which helped lead us to a home birth.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

The what ifs are always a fear of mine. My birth had been complicated (cord wrapped around my neck and I was month late, meconium poisoning. This was in 1980 as well) so that played a large role in the fear that I had. Before I knew the facts about VBACs I was very on the fence about the whole home birth experience. After the birth, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It was magical. It was the total 180 degrees experience that I had at the hospital with our older son. When you’re at home, the home setting, it relaxes you in a certain way. That you’re at home, you’re comfortable, she was comfortable. It all just felt right. It’s like they say, There’s no place like home.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I can’t think of anything that I had wished anyone had told me before had honestly. Oh wait, just like in a hospital, when she says to shut up you should shut up! The advice I would give to a first time home birth dad is to be as helpful as you can be. You are your spouses’ main support. To do the best that you can to make the day for her even more special.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

The very end, because watching her work that hard it’s just a strain to watch her go through that and not be able to step in for her or take the pain away. I felt very useless at that point even though I know I was very helpful.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Where we live, I don’t really have any close friends. They’re all hours away from here so support was very limited when we did get to talk. Something like these questions, from another guys perspective would have helped me big time. It would have helped calm fears and nerves.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

From the minute we walked into her home office I felt welcome. She was more of a friend then someone we were paying to deliver our child. Nothing could have made it better. We lucked out with an awesome midwife.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I will always think of it as something we did together with little outside help. I will always consider it one of our greatest adventures of our story together.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Absolutely. Since I have experienced both a hospital birth and a home birth, I would consider home birth the hands down way to go.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

I am not a very emotional/spiritual person; I can say that there is no other feeling quite like it. It felt like a long, scary waiting a game – but at the end you get a piece of you and in a split second you know you’d give your life for theirs.

[Thanks for your answers, Jason. I'm always jazzed to hear about vaginal home births after c-section (VBAC), because many think it's not an option. Readers, if you know any other homebirth dads that would like to participate in the 10 Questions series, contact me - derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: bjora857 at Flickr

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10 Questions for Homebirth Dads with Chris Byrne

Chris is an independent sustainability consultant and papa of two wonderful children, both born at home.  He lives with his children and wife in Western Massachusetts.  Follow him on Twitter: @byrnegreen

1. Why did you choose homebirth?   2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

We were always clear that we intended homebirth.  I had to ask my wife to help me recollect when we had ‘made’ the decision for our daughter, who was born first. I remember making decisions about the homebirth, but not about the choice to have a homebirth. It was probably brought up first by my partner, and it was just a non-decision, we both thought “of course”.  That was just a natural extension of our values as individuals, partners, and a soon to be family.

I feel lucky that my partner and I are so aligned on what we feel and think is best for the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of our children and family.  So many couples I’ve seen go through a huge process around topics like birth and circumcision and vaccinations.  We’re lucky to share essentially identical values in those regards.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

There’s a funny story about our first labor, the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May, and my wife cursing like a truck driver that I’ll save, but one resource that made a great impression on me was the film Birth Into Being (Birth As We Know It) by Elena Tonetti

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Well, of course I wanted my partner and baby to be healthy.  I had a resistance to the potential of fatigue for her (and me) and the pain and the potential of having to “transport” (to the hospital), but mostly i was looking forward to the awe of the event, and the intimate afterglow.

Part of the way we were able to relax into that space was that we had sought a great deal of education and done a lot of process around the birth.  We knew what common issues were, and how to be prepared for them.  We had a well thought out plan for having our children at home, and had thought considerably prior to labor what would be acceptable to us to face at home, and at what point if necessary we were prepared to transport to the hospital if any complications deemed it necessary for the health of baby or mother.  We intended a healthy birth, and we intended for that birth to be at home, which they were.  Both times were beautiful and yet extremely different from one another.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

There is a primal threshold that the woman straddles in a birth, especially one that is open and not overly medicalized. My love describes it as going to the edge of the life / death veil and bringing the baby back into this realm. In my experience, the role of the papa or whomever else is the mama’s advocate is to be the warrior and protect the nest, and the mama and baby.

So the job of this person–be it in a hospital or at home–is to be present with the needs of the mama and her team. You are the guardian that allows the mama to put her guard down and focus on bringing the baby through.  This goes for the physical space, but also for vibes.  You are there to protect the emotional bodies and (if you believe) the subtle energies of the room as well as making sure the physical realm (warmth, water, safety, etc) is addressed.  If someone that is attending (a friend or family member) is not comfortable (being overly anxious, for example), then it is your role (I believe) to make them aware that their issues are affecting the space and give them the opportunity to shift or leave.  The mother relaxing is the most important jewel to protect, and that is your primary role.

Oh, and if you can, clear as much time as you can after the birth.  The bliss lingers, and it is a great way to bond with your new family.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

My wife had been experiencing some excruciating “back labor”. The pain was incredible (not the pleasurable birth the second was to be) and my wife was meeting the pain–understandably–with cries of “it’s to much” and “I can’t take it” with each contraction. I decided after some consideration and sell-consciousness that I was about to confront the birthing lioness herself, to go into the bathroom, where she was standing in the shower trying to get some relief between contractions. It was the morning, and she had been going all night and it seemed there was still a way to go. The midwife had already spoken with me outside and expressed that she felt that if something did not shift soon she could not see my partner having the stamina to birth at home and that we would have to go to the hospital and allow them to intervene.

I walked into the room and said “listen love, I know that I am a man and I have no right to tell you about how to birth this baby but I really need to reflect something to you.” After some choice words about where I could choose to stick my opinion, I continued. “What I hear you saying is that you can’t take it. That it is too much to bear. And if that is the case that is fine and we will – without judgement – go to the hospital and get some help with the pain.” We both knew this was not what we wanted, but I believe speaking to this potential was a huge wake up.  “The image that keeps coming to me” I continued” is of a swimmer in the break zone. You either need to swim out past the crashing waves or come into shore, but if you just hang out there you are going to drown. Either meet this pain or we need to do something else to help you shift, for your sake and that of the baby.”

I said that to her on my way out to her acupuncturist for some St John’s Wort oil for her sacrum for the pain, and when I returned, she was like a warrior goddess, in this deep, centered, beautiful zone. The intense pain was still there, I could tell, but the experience was entirely different.  My beloved credits that moment as one where the birth turned a critical corner and allowed her to give birth to our daughter at home.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

I did not have deep support during the first birth, which is probably a popular and equally tragic experience of our culture. I was younger and still on the cusp of finding myself, and most of my support came through classes and some friendships and friendly advice, but no real male mentor culture existed to steward me through the transition.

During the second pregnancy, I had been sitting with an inter-generational circle of 15 men going through a process of initiation that paralleled the pregnancy. In that process I (and the others) did deep shadow work and also looked at cultural and practical issues of being a provider for children and family in this modern life.  It was very helpful.  The week after my son was born, the men came in the dawn hour and sang to my son and then we all went out and chopped the winter’s firewood.  All families should have that sort of support.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

I think it is very important for the partner to attend as many of the pre-birth appointments as possible.  This way, I had a relationship with the midwife prior to the birth.  I was familiar with her and she was familiar with me and our approach and flavor as as partnership.  We had great midwives.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

We trust each other very deeply, and I believe our births have been a huge medicine for deepening that trust. We have seen each other at our strongest and most vulnerable and most challenged, and witnessed the power of the other at their best, and shared one of the most intimate spaces I think possible in this human experience: conscious birth.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Well, we are clear that our family is complete and whole with respect to having any more children. However, if we were to have another birth, I couldn’t think of any other way I would rather welcome another soul to this planet.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

My 3 1/2 year old daughter was brought down from her bed at 1:30am and met and held her brother as he was still connected to his placenta that was inside my wife. (Contrast that with a picture I saw on Facebook that made me cry of a brother “meeting” his newborn sister–days later–through glass.)

The newness and stillness of being beside the fire on that cold October night remains one of the most expansive moments of connection to source I have ever experienced. Same with the days after the birth of my daughter.  During the second, my wife had been in pre-labor for the better part of two weeks, and before she went to bed that night, we anointed each other with specific oils for different intentions on the crown, heart, ankles, and feet. She came down a few hours later, and the final labor had begun.

Our son came in on his own, without so much as a push from my beloved, and the experience was a romantic and blissful celebration of our love, our parenting, our family, and the great mystery of life on Earth. I don’t believe this is held in the forefront in a hospital, if it is noticed at all in the sterile fluorescent birth-as-medical-condition experience. At home, I couldn’t help but notice it. I couldn’t help but be in the center of it, the whole time, a glow.

[Thank you, Chris! You're the only homebirth dad I've talked to that had some support or validation from your guy friends - I really like the visual I get when thinking of a group of men coming at dawn to sing to your son and then going out to chop firewood. Very cool.]

Image: Robert S. Donovan at Flickr

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Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Jorge T. Cuevas

Jorge T. Cuevas is the husband of a homebirth midwife, father of two homebirths, and video producer of “Homebirth Dads: The Dad’s Perspective On Homebirthing“.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

My wife is a homebirth midwife, so there was no other choice that we felt more comfortable with.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea.  My wife began educating me about homebirth from the moment we met.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

12 years ago, I actually didn’t find any resources specifically for the dads before my children were born, which is why I produced the video “Homebirth Dads: The Dad’s Perspective On Homebirthing“.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)?

Whether we would have to transfer to the hospital.

How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Everything went well, so we never had to think about it.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I just wanted to hear from other men about their experiences. Talk to as many homebirth dads as possible, and ask as many questions that you can.  The more that you know as to what to expect, the more prepared you’ll feel.  If you don’t have homebirth dads that you can talk to in your area, now there are more resources available specifically for dads.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

Trying to physically support my wife in some very uncomfortable positions for a long time.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends?

None of my male friends had homebirths.

If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Answers from other homebirth dads to these questions, and similar questions that I posed to the homebirth dads on the Homebirth Dads video.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

My interaction with the midwife was fine the way it was.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I certainly appreciated what my wife went through to birth 2 beautiful healthy children.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Both of our children were born at home, and I will always recommend it, as long as the mother is healthy.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

The first homebirth was more emotional because it was a completely new experience.

[Thank you, Jorge. I'm looking forward to watching your video and will post a review here when I do.]

Image: Weird Beard at Flickr

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[This is the latest in the Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions series.]

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Philip P.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

I was reluctant at first, but my wife was very much in favor of it. During her pregnancy we moved to a much more homebirth-friendly state, which also helped a great deal.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

My wife was definitely the one who wanted a homebirth.  I came to realize that it was important that she be comfortable with her birth plan, and that the best thing I could do was to support her in her decisions.  As we got to meet the midwives, I got more and more comfortable with the decision.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Can’t think of any specifically.  My wife was giving me a lot of information as we went along.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

I was worried about complications and things that might happen.  A lot of unfounded worry, but most of our (especially men’s) understanding of birth comes from media representations.  And those are fiction.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

“The baby is likely to come at night.”

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

I don’t think anything about the birth itself was too challenging for me. We were not in our own house at the time, since we were in the process of moving, so the dynamics of that (and trying to keep the birth from ‘intruding’ too much) was hard.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Not particularly.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

With our younger son, my wife was already an apprentice midwife, so we knew them not only as her midwives, but also as her friends and mentors.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

Having a homebirth led to my wife becoming a doula and then a midwife, so I am now a midwife’s husband, and have become accustomed to late night phone calls and my wife taking off at odd hours.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

If we had any more children, they would certainly be born at home.

[Thank you, Philip. If any other homebirth dads wish to participate, simply email me the answers along with a brief bio to derek (at) naturalpapa.com]

Image: doug88888 at Flickr

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[This is the fourth in the series Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions. If you would like to participate, contact me at derek at naturalpapa.com]

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Steve C.

Steve C. is a freelance writer, father of 3, and befuddled birth assistant to two VBAC’s (vaginal birth after caesarean).

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

I didn’t really choose it. I respected my wife’s opinion on it and supported her 100%.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

It was my wife’s idea. After her unnecessary c-section I was extremely upset. I felt I had let her down in some way. I believe it’s the woman’s right to birth how she wants. If my wife had wanted to give birth in a field full of goats, I’d have supported her. I did not want to see her suffer again, and her OB had told her she would never have given birth without a c-section. The usual CPD nonsense. I trust her instincts, and in my opinion it is the woman who does all the work, and it should be her that decides how to birth. Nothing makes me angrier then when I hear of women who want to homebirth and their husbands won’t “let” them. There is no “let” involved, and I think it is extremely disrespectful. If you love the woman you are having a baby with, you should support her birthing decisions.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

To be quite honest, my best homebirth resource was my wife. I never really read anything. My wife would read me stuff, but I had absolute faith in her ability to birth safely at home. She got an emergency childbirth manual meant for EMT’s etc… I didn’t read a word of it until she was in labor, by which point I was too tired to take any of it in.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

My biggest fear was if responsibility fell to me. If there was a possible problem and the decision fell to me about whether we went to the hospital. That scared me and kept me up at night. During the first homebirth I was confident. My wife was begging to go to the hospital. It was learning to discern “I’m in transition, this hurts” from “I am in trouble and need professional help”. It came quite naturally. The baby seemed to not be coming at all and I wound up having to give my wife an internal exam through which I was able to discern why the baby wasn’t coming. He was stuck. To this day my wife is amazed I was able to know this, but it just came naturally. When I told her how he was stuck she repositioned and things moved ahead. The only scary moment was when I saw blood. I called a friend of my wife’s who is a doula and she assured me this was normal.  After the birth I was quite proud of myself for being supportive and being able to know that my wife didn’t really need the hospital and that it was just transition. It made me much more confident. For the third birth I was concerned again about the decision falling to me, but I was much more confident in my knowledge this time as it was no longer an unknown.

5.  What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

I don’t really have anything I wish I was told. My wife did her best to reassure me, but it was fear of the unknown more than anything, and you can’t do anything about that until you’ve experienced it. As for what advice would I give to a first time homebirth Dad, it’s very simple. Trust your wife’s instincts. Don’t let your fears get the better of you. I know of several women who wound up not homebirthing, despite wanting too, simply because their husbands were scared. Don’t be scared. Women have been doing this for thousands of years just fine before the medical profession stuck their quite frankly unnecessary noses into it all. Yes, bad stuff can happen. But you know what? 99% of the time, it won’t. My wife was told she’d never give birth vaginally, she’d always have to have a c-section, her pelvis was too small etc… In short, trust your wife, and remember, OB’s will LIE through their teeth.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

Without a doubt, transition. You would have to be made of stone to not find that difficult and extremely distressing. To hear the woman you love screaming her lungs out, begging for painkillers in so much obvious pain is just heartbreaking and it’s very tempting to throw in the towel and take her to the hospital she will quite often beg for. It’s also the time you need to be the most supportive and strong for her.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

None at all. Only two friends actually had any kids, and all were hospital delivered. And they live in a different country.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

There was no midwife. It was just me and my wife.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I don’t think it has, to be honest.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Yes, and we did. Earlier this year my wife homebirthed our third child, getting the water birth she’d always wanted. Whereas we had issues with our second getting stuck and labor lasting for a very long time, our third was swift. My wife was screaming in pain and was expecting a good few hours of transition pain again like she had with our first homebirth. It was with some surprise that the baby was born 20 minutes later:)

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

I always wanted a girl. When I found out our second was a boy, I was immensely disappointed. This all went away when I caught him. Easily one of the most incredible experiences of my life. While my wife recovered and held him I went and sat in the living room to email my Dad and I was shaking. Just absolutely exhilarating and amazing. The third wasn’t quite so emotional as I’d done it before. I was also ill for the birth sadly. But again, right after the birth I went off and had a quiet moment to myself to absorb what had happened.

[Thank you, Steve. Wow, more unassisted homebirths in the Homebirth Dads series! And two VBACs, no less. Be sure to catch the first second and third interviews, here: Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Damon Young, Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Sean Daily, Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Nick Chambers.]

Image: apdk at Flickr

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[This is the third in the series Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions. If you would like to participate, contact me at derek at naturalpapa.com]

Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Nick Chambers

Nick is a future car and sustainability nut who writes for both Gas 2.0 and the New York Times Green Inc. Blog. He is the proud father of a 3 and a 4 year old who were both born at home.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

A little background first: When my wife was pregnant with our first child she was finishing up her PhD in Switzerland. She moved to the US about 2 months before the due date.

In the end we chose home birth for several reasons:

- My wife felt she would be more comfortable with the language barrier if she was surrounded by people who she already knew and didn’t have a constant barrage of new nurses and doctors coming and going. She’s a German citizen and, at the time, was not that confident in her ability to convey her thoughts and concerns in English under stress to a bunch of random strangers.

- In a general way, the idea of having no “machines that go ping” seemed much more conducive to creating the kind of environment where a baby would want to come out on its own.

- We could set up the birth the way we wanted with a birthing tub, music, proper lighting/mood lighting, and different rooms with the ability to get into a multitude of different birthing positions.

- We were comforted by the fact that if we did need to go to the hospital in the very rare case of an emergency, it was only a 5 minute car/ambulance ride away.

- We took the long view of civilization: modern humans have been essentially having births at home for the better part of 50,000 years. That kind of thought was a comfort to us. It’s only in the last 60 years that people started having births in hospitals. What has that led to? The average rate for births by cesarean is about 1 in 4 – in some areas of the country it’s as much as 1 in 2. Basically the modern hospital setting is telling women that their bodies are incapable of doing what evolution designed them for. We weren’t confident in our ability to keep the doctors and nurses from dosing my wife with drugs and choosing cesarean even if it wasn’t really necessary.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

I think it was my idea at first. It took some convincing, but in the end my wife – for all the reasons in #1 above – thought is was the best way to go too. I got the idea initially after thinking about all of the issues I brought up in my answer to #1.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

- Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way
- The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
- There was also a Birth Stories book that we borrowed from a friend that was from the 70′s that was very helpful, but I can’t remember what it was called and it’s for sure out of print. I think that any book containing other people’s homebirthing stories is very helpful to show you the many different outcomes.

We also took a birthing and breathing class from a woman who specialized in home births. Aside from her advice and guidance, she also had an old documentary (70′s again) that chronicled 5 different home births. That was extremely helpful.

Of course, finding the right midwife is key. Our doula was very helpful too.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

I think I was worried I would be too grossed out to help catching the baby and cutting the cord. I also worried I would run out of energy to help in a meaningful way. In the back of my mind I also kept thinking about the possibility of having to go to the hospital and seeing that as a bit of a failure if it did happen. I was worried that if something went wrong, I wouldn’t know what to do. Stupidly, I was also worried about cleaning up after the birth too

Most of those fears were unfounded. I had so much adrenaline running through my system that I could have cut the beating hearts from a thousand savage ravaging natives without blinking an eye. I did get tired about 8 hours into the birth because not much was happening and I didn’t have anything to focus on. But after the late stages of the birth kicked in and my wife was in considerable pain and needed me, my body took over and provided the correct amount of chemicals to get me through. And the midwife and doula cleaned up everything after the birth while my wife and I cuddled with our new baby.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Your wife is capable of things that you currently think are humanly impossible and you just need to accept that. Don’t spend too much time in the birthing tub. Your wife needs your help to take her over the edge of no return. I found that I could see my wife was scared to let go and let the birth control her body, but I didn’t know how to help her just let go. That will be your biggest task and hardest to figure out.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

The middle stages of the birth where my wife was in considerable pain but it didn’t seem like anything was happening to take us to the end point. It’s very hard to watch the person you love in so much pain and not be able to help. This is when you’ll need to call your mom

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

No help from my guy friends. My wife wouldn’t have been comfortable having them around. I think it was absolutely crucial to have a doula and a good midwife to take over when you get too tired and need a bit of a break. Plus, 3 sets of hands are way better than one.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

We shopped around quite extensively, so I was very comfortable with our midwife. She was great and only stepped in when I asked her too. We had a lengthy conversation with her about just this topic beforehand and we all knew what the expectations were.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I think the biggest thing is that my wife feels incredibly empowered having gone through the birth without any medication and using just her own mental fortitude. That is something that changes your wife forever in a positive way. I think we both have a sense of pride and accomplishment that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. So, in a more global sense, these things just bring us closer together and weave the rich tapestry of our lives more intricately.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Definitely. We’ve had 2 so far and they were exactly the type of birth we both wanted.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

It’s one of the greatest tests of a man’s will and fortitude to remain the rock during a birth. You will be the one who your wife looks to for assurance during the hardest parts and you have to be ready to provide that assurance even if you’re not sure. It is emotionally very draining. I did my breakdown over the phone with my mom away from earshot of my wife. At the end, when the baby’s out and your wife is in the afterglow of birth and has all the energy in the world, you’ll be extremely tired. Don’t be afraid to say so and take care of your body’s needs.

[Thanks, Nick! I think the more that we as homebirth dads tell our side of the birth stories, the better it is for anyone considering one. Be sure to catch the first two in the series: Homebirth Dads: 10 Questions with Damon Young and 10 Questions for Homebirth Dads: Sean Daily]

Image: Raphael Goetter at Flickr

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[This post is the second in the series. Read the first one here: 10 Questions for Homebirth Dads: Damon Young, and if you would like to share your experience, contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com.]

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads: Sean Daily

Sean Daily is the co-founder and Editor-In-Chief of Green Living Ideas and Blue Living Ideas, as well as being the host of the popular GreenTalk Radio podcast. He is a San Francisco Bay Area entrepreneur and internationally-recognized expert on Internet-based publishing and social media marketing, and enterprise information technologies.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

Our first birth was done at a birth center with midwives and a doula, and ultimately was such a positive experience that we wanted to have our 2nd child in our own home. And, it made sense to us because essentially there was no functional difference between someone else’s home-like birth environment and our actual house with the same people involved — plus was obviously far more personal.

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

We both wanted it from the beginning and have never been a fan of hospital births or the manner in which the medical community tends to treat births or birth mothers (it is generally treated more as a medical procedure than a natural process the mother’s body knows a lot about, which we fundamentally disagree with).

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

Our local birth center and assisting midwives and dullas answered all our questions during meetings and classes prior to the birth.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

Only the obvious one that most parents experience; what if something goes wrong, and we need access to a hospital/doctor due to a complication (breech birth, tied cord, etc.). Because we had such a smooth experience for the first birth and because my wife’s handling of natural child birth was so great, we realized after the first experience the full reality instead of any fear-based perceptions and it made it clear to us that even if a complication happened that we would be able to handle it — and weren’t committing a careless or reckless act through the process but instead giving our entire family a huge, lifetime gift.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

Nothing; I prefer non-professional people to tell me as little as possible so that my experience would be completely unique and my own rather than being colored by fears of others. I was happy to get the information from the midwife about the practicalities, but that was all I wanted/needed. I would tell a first time homebirth dad simply: “Congratulations, I am so happy for you, because you are making a decision that will reward you and your family, and which you will talk about fondly for the rest of your life.”

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

Honestly, nothing except the total lack of control of when it all went down!

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

Didn’t really come up, as I wasn’t looking for external validation (not my style). Those I did speak to about it thought it was cool I was doing it that way, or at least didn’t voice opinions to the contrary to my face if they harbored any. The lack of anyone being outwardly negative was the support I really needed and thankfully got.

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

It was great; she respected my role and right to be there and not only permitted but encouraged my active participation in every step of the process. I was made to feel totally part of it rather than a hapless outsider which is my impression of many hospital births. This was a criterium for us in our search for a midwife, and they lived up to it.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

We both increased our respect for one another and felt a great sense of pride in accomplishment (shared) in what we had done.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Not only would I do it again, I would never do it any other way unless there was absolutely no other choice. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

I will just say this: There was, at the moment of birth for both my children, an instant connection with both father and mother that felt real and tangible to me, and which would not have been possible had I not helped to deliver the child. My children and I talk about it regularly and they often ask me to retell the story of how I caught them and participated. It’s clear that they think that it is very special and cool that I did that, and it has made the bond between us extremely strong. That’s priceless.

[Thank you, Sean, for sharing your experience with us. Readers, be sure to check out the first 10 Questions for Homebirth Dads]

Image: 1HappySnapper at Flickr under CC License

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[When people hear that we birth our babies at home, they inevitably have questions for us, and while my wife generally answers them for women, I've had numerous dads-to-be ask me about my experience with homebirth. I thought it would be a neat project to ask a series of 10 questions to a number of homebirth dads, in order to give a more rounded perspective to it than just my own experience. I sent out the word on Twitter and Facebook, and have received responses from men who are willing to share their answers with us. This post is the first in the series. Enjoy, and if you would like to share your experience, contact me at derek (at) naturalpapa.com.]

10 Questions for Homebirth Dads: Damon Young

Damon Young is a musician and puppet wrangler in Atlanta, Georgia.

1. Why did you choose homebirth?

It was my wife’s idea.  Eventually I came to agree that if you don’t need to go to a hospital, why would you?  As my wife put it, “Hospitals are for sick people. I’m not sick, I’m pregnant.”

2. Whose idea was it, yours or hers? If hers, what convinced you to agree? If yours, what gave you the idea?

My agreement came slowly.  It seemed preposterous at first. Like most Americans, I had been raised on the assumption that hospitals are necessary and good for birth, and homebirth is only for accidents or hillbillies.   My wife did extensive research on the benefits of natural and home birth, and then it was my turn to do research, so we could come to an agreement.

One “revelation” for me was that women are literally made to give birth though a slow and naturally progressing labor.  It seems strange, but I had to break this cultural misconception that somehow it is impossible to give birth without manual intervention and people yelling “push!”   There’s all sorts of real data about how modern medical intervention actually gets in the way of the process and causes unnecessary problems and trauma.   The upshot for the medical industry is they are trained to interfere, and they get paid more the more if they interfere.  The The Business of Being Bornwas not out yet.  I think that would have helped with the deprogramming, The film should be required viewing, though it’s certainly not the “end all” to the subject.

In any case, we started prenatal appointments at a recommended OBGYN and it was terrible.  They treated the women like sheep and were really irate with us asking questions and having opinions.   Medical people seem to not be trained so much as indoctrinated.  So we bailed and found a great midwife who did the prenatal tests, tracked the baby’s position with her hands, monitored the baby’s heart tones with a fetoscope, kept track of momma’s blood pressure, and empowered us to do many of these things at home as well.

3. What homebirth books or resources did you find to be the most helpful?

HypnoBirthing by Marie Mongan, and Special Delivery by Rahima Baldwin for the nitty gritty.  We read Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin, of course.

A big help was to watch movies of people’s homebirths, especially unassisted ones.  Many are on youtube and in the video Birth as We Know It.  These videos show women just doing what their body is made to do, and following their own cues.   There are cats walking by, people on the phone, music playing, kids are running around, here is momma laboring in whatever positions come natural for her,  then out comes the baby and momma puts her on to nurse.  Simple as that.

The short video Birth Day (Lopez) is gentle and was helpful for getting the extended family closer to the idea of homebirth.  We took a Hypnobirthing class recently in preparation for the 2nd birth – this was very useful.  They screened the excellent video What Babies Want. The movie and the class are for couples planning hospital birth and a big part of the class was how to defend yourself from hospital interventions, so I never had a doubt we were doing the right thing planning to birth at home.

4. Before the birth, what fears or issues did you have surrounding homebirth (or birth in general)? How did those change for you after experiencing the birth?

The fear is plain: What if something goes wrong that would require a hospital?   The answer is that either you and/or your midwife simply need to know the stages of birth, things that can go wrong and what to do then, and most importantly when to get to the hospital should you need it.   Having an emergency plan is a comfort so you can focus on momma and her birthing and not obsess with “What Ifs.”    Fear is natural, though highly exploited by the medical-industrial complex.

After the birth?  I felt very liberated.

5. What do you wish someone had told you before your first homebirth? What advice would you give to a first time homebirth dad?

The most important person who needs to feel strong and empowered is the mother.  You can help her by cultivating this in yourself and helping to make a strong place for her to feel supported.  You should be totally cool with crabbiness and don’t argue; I’m not saying don’t have discussions or opinions, but losing your temper is never useful.   You should prepare your best and learn all you can, but mostly work on being fully present as often as possible for the pregnancy and the birth.  This strong presence in you will have the added benefit for fatherhood after the birth.

6. Which part of the birth did you find to be the most difficult or challenging for you?

The hours of labor were exhausting after a while, but we persevered.

7. Did you have support during the birth from your guy friends? If so, what was the most supportive? If not, what would have helped you the most?

No, but that’s an interesting idea.   My wife connected with a homebirth mom group and had some friends.  I don’t see anything like that in the male community at all.  Is there such a thing?  I found Natural Father after the 1st birth, but before the 2nd.  You are the only one I know of doing this and I love it, so THANKS!

8. How was your interaction with the midwife during the birth? What could have made that better?

Both of our births were unassisted, but we talked with our midwife on the phone twice during the first labor.   She was very reassuring to have on the line when we were getting a little squirrelly about how things were progressing.   She was calm and sagacious in her analysis, having experienced thousands of births.

9. How has the relationship with your partner changed after having a homebirth together?

I think we are closer than ever for this tremendously bonding experience.

10. Would you have another homebirth? Why or why not?

Without a doubt.   What can I say?  It worked.  We had two beautiful healthy babies in our own home without medical interventions.  Its sad though that here in Georgia  midwife certification is not made possible under the law, so most people don’t even consider home birth with a midwife as an option.

Bonus: Will you describe the emotional/spiritual side of your birth experience from a man’s viewpoint?

As a man, this is the archetypical role transformation from being a son to being a Father.   Personally, I’d have to call our homebirths the most profoundly spiritual experiences possible.  To be there with your own child as they emerge fresh into the world is Joy Indescribable.  The moment our hands raised our son from the water to take his first breath is the peak experience of my life and feels in me now like a bottomless reservoir of gladness.

[Thank you, Damon. Sharing our experiences empowers others to make good choices for themselves, and lets others know they're not alone.]

Image: timatymusic at Flickr

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