By David Essel
Over 20 years ago, as a counselor helping men and women to enhance their relationships, I sought out the help of a sex therapist in order to really get the bottom line about how men can be better lovers in bed.
Of course when I began my work with her, I told her it was for my clients. I laugh now as I read that, because part of it was, but I also wanted to learn how I could be a better lover in bed with my partner at that time.
Now, if you’re reading this and you’ve been in a relationship for 20 or 30 years, it’s never too late to learn and use these techniques which might just kick that flame into high gear with your long-time lover.
It’s time to slow down, read the below 3 tips, and start to bring them into your relationship where that both you and your partner can reap the rewards for the rest of your life.
Number one. You’ve got to ask questions. “What do you enjoy about our love life? What do I do that really excites you, makes you feel loved, makes you feel connected, makes you feel proud to be my lover?
What can I do differently? What have you always fantasized about, or dreamed about, that your lover would do on a daily basis to make you feel like you are the only woman in the world for them?”
I can tell you from my work as a counselor and life coach, that about 3% of my male clients have ever approached these questions throughout their entire existence. It’s not normal for guys to ask questions about intimacy, about love life, about satisfying their partner in ways that they may not be aware of.
You see men hate to ask for directions when you’re driving… And most also hate to ask directions from their partner about how they could be a better lover.
Why? Because you have to get humble to do this. Because you might learn that you’re doing things in the wrong direction… A tough hit to the ego but one that needs to be done if you want to hold the ranking of the most amazing lover in the world today.
Just the act of asking these questions, a form of communication, goes right to the heart of most women. The fact that you’re curious, interested in her opinion… Is something most men have never done in their life. And you need to do it more than one time. You may have to ask these questions many times in order to get your partner to open up, And be vulnerable herself, because she might not believe the first time that these questions are actually sincere.
Number two. Foreplay, in most women’s minds, is nonexistent in our society today. And it’s true. And this is the difference between men and women.
Now there are some women, with very high sex drives, that don’t need, desire, or want foreplay in their lovemaking. But that’s a very small percentage. Men however, when they’re excited, or thinking about being with their partner intimately, think about going right for the homerun. We forget that there’s first base, second base, and third-base way before we get to Homeplate.
Women understand this, and they may even reach out to us and ask us to go slower, and to be more connected emotionally which is part of foreplay of course, but men might listen and not take it to heart.
So what is foreplay? Foreplay is setting the stage. It’s the appetizer to the full course meal. It’s the note left on the kitchen table on your way out the door for work. It’s the text at 11 AM for no reason whatsoever other than to say I’m thinking of you. It’s the email, expressing our love and hope in the middle the day.
Foreplay is the one rose you bring home at night for no certain reason whatsoever.
Foreplay is doing the dishes after dinner, emptying the dishwasher and putting the new ones in.
Foreplay is taking her car to be washed and detailed.
Foreplay is filling her gas tank without her asking.
When she’s exhausted, foreplay is giving her a foot massage, or a neck massage without any intention of having sex whatsoever on that evening…
Do you get the picture? It takes planning to be exceptional at foreplay. It takes effort. It takes a thought process that this is not only for sex today, this is something I’m doing for the rest of my life.
Number three. Lasting longer in bed. With all of the women I’ve worked with in the past 27 years, the second biggest complaint next to the fact that their boyfriend or husband offered very little if nonexistent foreplay, is taking time in bed before they released during orgasm.
Now remember there’s exceptions to every rule. There are some women that want their boyfriends and husbands to orgasm within the first three minutes. Sometimes when women are frustrated, depressed, or resentful with their partner they will encourage them to come quickly because they really don’t want to be in bed with you anyway.
But most women are different than the above examples.
In my sessions with thousands of girlfriends and wives, they will complain about the fact that just as they’re starting to get warmed up physically, their husband or boyfriend explodes in orgasm and they roll over. Not a real romantic sight, can you get that?
What I learned with my sex therapist is invaluable. She taught me how to reach the point of orgasmic release, pull back, reach that same point again, and pull back one more time.
It’s called the delay of instant gratification in the real world, and we can apply it to our sex life as well.
After six months of doing certain exercises to delay my own orgasm, I had mastered the technique. It took a little while, but once again my girlfriend at the time benefited immensely. She didn’t know what I was doing. This was way before Viagra was popular, and so she didn’t think I was taking some kind of medication but she had no idea how all the sudden, which seemed to her to be overnight, I was able to last one or two hours in bed easily without an orgasm.
She was more than ecstatic. She was one of those women that loved to make love on a Saturday and a Sunday in the afternoon for hours. And finally I was able to give her what she desired, and it did have a powerful effect of bringing us closer together in the relationship.
If you can master the above three keys, to become a better, more interesting, more sensitive and compassionate lover… Your relationship I guarantee will go to the next level.
Please don’t skip one of the steps for another. Each of them combined are incredibly important that will include the mental, emotional and physical aspects of any and all relationships.
About the author: David Essel, M. S., Counselor, author, life coach, is a number one best-selling author, counselor, master life coach, and international speaker whose mission is to positively affect 2 million people or more every day, regardless of their current circumstances. David’s work is also highly endorsed by the late Wayne Dyer, chicken soup for the soul’s Mark Victor Hansen, as well as many other celebrities and radio and television networks from around the United States of America. Celebrity Jenny McCarthy says, “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.” To find out more visit www.davidessel.com. Image: Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash