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Hilariously Untrue Dad ‘Facts’ Part 1: Brought to You by the Father from ‘Calvin & Hobbes’

Fatherhood is great. There’s a certain amount of messing with your kids that’s so quintessentially Dad that you can’t help but make things up, stretch truths, be weird, and always keep them guessing on whether you’re full of it or not.

The Calvin and Hobbes comics by Bill Watterson feature a young boy (Calvin) and his stuffed tiger (Hobbes). His father is a man of unchallengeable intelligence. Filled to the brim with knowledge, whenever his son is curious, he tells him exactly how things work. Well, sort of.

We’ve collected some of Calvin’s father’s most sagely wisdom for you to try on for size:

Bridges

During a family drive, Calvin is curious about how the weight limit of bridges is tested, so he asks his Dad. Drawing from a well of fatherly wisdom, he explains that a weight limit is tested by bigger and bigger trucks driving over a bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and that’s the bridge’s weight limit. Obviously, right?

Banking

At the ATM one day, Calvin wants to know how the machines work. Without missing a beat, his Dad tells him that you enter the amount of money you want and a person with a printing press who lives behind the machine makes it for you on the spot and passes it to you.

Sneezes

Calvin was wondering why he shuts his eyes every time he sneezes. His Dad teaches him a lesson in biology, explaining that if his lids aren’t closed, his eyes will pop out for good and he’d have to hold them in his hands and point them around to see. The best part is when Calvin replies wondering how he knows so much, his Dad replies: “It’s all in the book you get when you become a father.”

However dated these may be, we hope you enjoyed them, got a good laugh, and maybe even stocked up on some facts to share with your kids. You’ll have them rolling their eyes and groaning before you know it. But, we may as well leave you with something actually true: Around the world, many places call standard time keeping the “Civil Day”. Daytime is 12 hours, nighttime is 12 hours, hence our clock numerals! Feel free to make up how time works any way you want.

Whatever time of day or night, we’re glad you’re taking the time to live, laugh, learn, and grow with your children. That’s truly the experience that’s ultimately Dad. Who knows, with enough Dad-ly wisdom, your kids may echo Calvin’s sentiments while his Mom tucks him in: “I hope someday I’m as smart as Dad is.”

We’re rooting for you, Dads.

Keep calm and Dad on.

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