This is such an important topic I think. Your post brings up lots of rich and important connections for me and I’m grateful for that. I grew up as one of 9 kids, in a family with an excessively dominant and violent father, I have four sisters and four brothers! There was a lot of testosterone and a lot of aggression in the family. My husband and my teenage son (my eldest) have inch by inch brought me in to a place of accepting, trusting and loving their maleness and the huge big male energy, the powerful stuff that can achieve anything, but was so intimidating to me as a child growing up, because I didn’t have the positive modelling of it.

I’ve been with my husband 15 years, 15 amazing years, lots of tough stuff with us both bringing our unresolved childhood issues forward. I thought I’d sorted all that out before I met him, but hmmm not quite ha!!! My oldest child is a boy, he’s now a teenager and my journey of mothering him has been a journey of learning a new model of interacting with the male (sounds so something but you know what I mean – the male energy). From the day my boy was born, I could just see and hear and feel what he needed me to be. I felt empowered and committed to this newer healthier model of male female relating and have overall managed to accept him and be with him in all his hugely vibrant maleness. It’s been a journey that’s required me to be really really conscious of all this stuff, I knew I couldn’t just go on autopilot and ignore my own triggers.

He and my husband are definitely very manly men but both also incredibly affectionate. They’re both males who have a really good balance. Today my son will no doubt walk in from school and give me the hugest smile and look me in the eye and say “I looove YOU mum!” and give me a big bear hug. When his little sister gets hurt during their rough and tumble, I hear her cry and can feel pretty confident that the next thing I hear is “oh Ayesha, did you get hurt, aaah, big hug”, although if it’s a tiff, he’ll be angry they’ll both be angry but he manages to still express it non-violently, really healthy communication.

I think that as rational, thinking beings, we have both the ability and a responsibility to teach our children that the gender roles of our ancestors were a matter of necessity and survival, but that we are free to explore our identity without any reference to what sort of genitalia we have.

I am reminded of the fact that gender and sexuality are not binary. It’s a spectrum. So I think attempting to engender any sort of “manliness” can only hurt male children, because more likely than not, they won’t fit into any designated gender role we imagine the primal human needed to fit into in order to survive, and they will feel rejected and confused if we try to tell them they should be something other than what they feel they are.

The common ground is indeed the place for great relationships to flourish – great point. I certainly don’t want a little mini-me (which I sometimes encourage by doing the things I want to do, rather than what they want to do). We need to let them be different from us, and that’s difficult sometimes. I sometimes joke that our kids are going to turn out how we least expect it, and may ‘rebel’ against us, the people who vowed to be the best parents ever… After all, we certainly turned out differently than our parents expected.

It has been interesting to connect with so many other dads recently about this and other fatherhood questions – men are either exploring their masculinity for themselves, or their son is coming of age and they wish to give them the best possible guidance. I hadn’t really considered writing about it here on Natural Papa when I began, but after a couple of posts that were well received, I see a need for more men to talk about it, and think it’s a natural fit here.

Cheers!

One thing I’ve observed is that a boy and his dad don’t necessarily share interests, but if the dad works to find a common ground, a hobby or activity they can do together, that can be a wonderful thing for their relationship. Something active is best!

Unfortunately, video games are counter-productive for many reasons that I am sure you all agree with. They train our children to kill, to be desensitized to violence, and to lie dormant the physical needs that these games do not satisfy.

Learning a healthy respect for nature and life through outdoor experiences and building survival skills is a wonderful way to exercise some of that genetic code. Physical activity combined with outdoor skills and even competitive sports can satisfy the needs of young boys today. Outdoor activity compared to video games, reduces aggressive tendencies and behavioral challenges because children need to be much more physical than they are today; at least 2 more hours of physical activity is needed for our children these days to balance their physical, emotional, and behavioral needs.

In the future, even though the WII has smitten some parents and educators into believing this is enough, hopefully our young boys will have parents that are more knowlegable about their needs to be outdoors and to channel some of these Super Hero qualities into daily life, which can also become nurturing in the care of younger siblings, animals, gardening, building, exploring, cooking, etc.. There is nothing wrong with recognizing the strength in each respective gender without isolating the other.

As fathers today become caregivers, this is a beautiful evolution, however the physical needs of the child still remain and boys have more need to be physical than girls to utilize their testosterone appropriately. I love that a gentler father is emerging in our culture. To merge this gentler father with the natural world seems to be a win-win for all!

To this day, I don’t know if the differences in them were hard-wired or culturally imposed. The biggest difference I noticed was when I first opened my daughter’s diaper (my last child) and found all of those folds to clean! Terrifying.

I strongly disagree with the suggestion that women just have babies. Although it’s true we don’t actively and consciously grow body parts, we do (or don’t) consciously research what to do for maximum health for ourselves and our children. Pregnancy was hard work. Also, it is important to note: a child is a gift to the man that we love. Or should be.

I would like to propose this: the traits that all of you mentioned above are traits that humanity is working to cultivate in order to better society as a whole.

So true – those stereotypes of manliness are everywhere in the media and our culture. I’d love to see some alternative messages and images portraying this different idea of manliness.

When we’re at peace with our natural roles and familial responsibilities, true “manhood” can come to us allowing us to provide and protect without being overpowering and selfish, and allowing us to nurture and love, without being weak and insecure.
.-= Danny´s last blog ..The Season =-.

I also think endurance and perseverance are part of our hardwired code. A hunter must continue his quest until he is successful, and cannot let a setback derail him, or his clan will not eat. I notice that the most successful men in our society are those who push on, despite adversity.

I agree with you about the importance of gathering and sharing information. It also helps us to learn what constitutes a leader, and helps us define our own role within the community, whether as leader or helper. This teaches cooperative effort, an essential survival trait.

It’s hard to write about gender these days without a disclaimer… haha.

Per your last sentence – it’s a beautiful thing to be able to see those qualities in your partner. Kudos to you for expressing it!

Cheers-

This is beautiful, and something I’ve been thinking about lately. We don’t know the sex of our unborn child (and won’t until it enters the world), but we’ve already bought a pink onesie. Is this a problem? I, manly me, have a pink shirt. It’s a color. And often a good looking one.

I’ve been thinking of the male’s Biological/Primitive/Instinctive/Nature role as protector. Through this, my wife’s first pregnancy, I find myself to be ridiculously protective. My responses to sudden noises or movements are more visceral and (compared to my norm), a bit extreme. I’m the same ol’ me, but with slightly more check-yourself-before-you-wreck-yourself.

And if men weren’t the instinctive protector, then why are women so often instinctively attracted to strength? Provider, to me, is just a means of protection. Protection from the elements, starvation, and harm.

I love your suggestion of child-giver. I think I will combine the two.

As a follow-up to the initial disclaimer, I would like to point out that I am very much attracted to my wife’s obvious strength, and she, in turn, is attracted to my nurturing sensitivity. There is always balance…
.-= Terry´s last blog ..The New Age of Privacy =-.