I recently stumbled across a web page from “Radical Conservative” (an anonymous blogger who apparently lives to bash people who don’t believe as he (she?) does) called Retrosexual Code.
The Code is full of so many tired stereotypes that I can’t help but feel sorry for the person who wrote it. I’m going to help out by adding to it, so that it might begin to have some sort of cohesiveness to it.
Reality Check: Addendum to Retrosexual Code
- Item 4: “A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.” Add sub item 4a: “Going through the drivethru at McDonald’s is now considered ‘killing’.”
- Item 8: “A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.” Add sub item 8a: “Movies and video games count toward combat training. Anyone who doesn’t believe in your bad-ass-ness can see your high scores for proof.”
- Item 14: “A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as… favorite sports team being moved to a different city.” Add sub item 14a: “Professional help may include Dr. Bud Wiser and counselor Jack Daniels, or purchasing team apparel through the internet.”
- Item 15: “A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.” Add sub item 15a: “Men who use the terms ‘outfit’ and ‘wardrobe’ when referring to their clothing will be considered prey.”
- Item 19: “A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.” Add sub item 19a: “Owning a gun automatically makes you a bad-ass. And a target.”
- Item 23: “A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.” Add sub item 23a: “Masturbating with the flag will help you feel more patriotic.”
- Item 24: “A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.” Add sub item 24a: “Also acceptable: Public nose-picking, crotch-scratching, and toenail pruning. Extra points for nose and ear hair over 1/2 inch long.”
- Item 31: “A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract – a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.” Add sub item 31a: “Unless it’s about money or business. Then you’ll want bulletproof legal documents and a lawyer who can sue the hell out of the other guy. And it’s always the other guy’s fault.”
Additional Retrosexual Code guidelines:
- A Retrosexual knows that a large belly comes from being a lazy wuss and eating too much crap, but is too cool to change his habits. He also believes women find it sexy.
- A Retrosexual believes liberals are always wrong.
- A Retrosexual is controlled remotely, through his phone. Higher level Retrosexuals can be identified by an electronic earpiece stuck to their head.
- A Retrosexual is also controlled by his gonads, hence the popularity of Hooters, magazine swimsuit editions, strip clubs, professional wrestling and cable TV.
- A Retrosexual believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.
- A Retrosexual always needs someone else to define manliness for him. A Retrosexual avoids reading anything contrary to the Retrosexual code, and never thinks for himself.
- A Retrosexual honestly believes he has some influence on his sports team’s performance.
If you want to see the original in its entirety: Retrosexual Code (no commenting is available on the site).
Image: Elsie esq. at Flickr