Comments on: When Does a Boy Become a Man? Our Missing Rites of Manhood

By: Andy

Andy — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 05:44:35 +0000

Nice work Derek!
I have been working with men and boys through community organisations for almost 10 years now and have developed programs that are so amazing and very much needed. I find it interesting that it is women in the main who understand this implicitly and they are the ones to make it happen for their menfolk. I am generalising but if it were not for the women our job would be much harder! Keep up the good work!
Andy

By: Alfred

Alfred — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:52:24 +0000

First off, nice blog Derek. I am a reading instructor for an after-school program for grades 6-8. Though I’ve only been doing this for about 2 years, I and another colleague have noticed that there are a plethora of programs dedicated to girls but few for boys.

so I’m in the process of creating a club for boys different from the boy-scout model. this is to address some of the same issues you expressed in your blog. I want to help provide a forum to celebrate this transitionary point of life–into manhood while also imparting to them lessons that are specific to them. I’ve written alot here so I’ll stop for now. but I have much to say on the subject and will likely be creating a blog to catalogue my experiences with this program. And I am expecting my first child, a son, Feb. 24th.

By: Ray

Ray — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 03:10:59 +0000

Great topic. I’ve been travelling this same road for several years seeking wisdom where I can to help raise my two boys (20, 16). Two books I found interesting; Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis and Boy’s Passage Man’s Journey by Brian Molitor. Another good book for all children is The Blessing by Gary Smalley and John Trent.

By: MamaK

MamaK — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 19:24:03 +0000

Richard Rohr does a lot with male initiation, too. http://www.malespirituality.org/

he’s a catholic priest, but very respectful of a lot of native and eastern traditions too. (Shame we have to even mention that…)

thanks for a thought provoking blog in general. stumbled over from eco-child re: fair trade hershey and now just browsing through!

By: Owen Marcus

Owen Marcus — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 00:35:13 +0000

Derek,

I agree, we need to change our model of raising boys to be men. Thanks for writing this.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Thu, 06 May 2010 18:01:02 +0000

Good point, Homemaker Man. “Whole humans” is the desired state. Thanks for stopping by!

By: Homemaker man

Homemaker man — Thu, 06 May 2010 17:58:27 +0000

I also did not have much for guidance into manhood. Hunted and pecked, groped and guessed my way here. I think one thing that has to be discussed is the fact that the definition of manhood has changed. It is more a definition of general adulthood that fits now. Responsibility, compassion, respect, work-ethic, maturity etc. These things are beyond gender. I think maybe one thing that is still unique is how we treat women. How do we deal with the testosterone coursing through our veins in our teen years while still being whole humans and not "just boys" or even "just men." First visit here. Really love the place. .-= Homemaker man´s last blog ..Keys =-.

By: Greg

Greg — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 00:37:59 +0000

Just stumbled on your blog. I liked this post a lot. At one point in our culture we did have this sort of brotherhood (it definitely existed in America a hundred years ago) but I don’t exactly know when (or why) that changed. My guess is that it has a large part to do with our changing sensibilities on political correctness; we take it for granted that there are no real differences between men and women. I wouldn’t go so far to say that we should return to the old order (which only existed because we were too unindustrialized and poor to have many options open to women) but I think there needs to be some realization that young men have been left by the wayside by a culture that acts like they don’t exist (except when they cause problems).

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:05:54 +0000

I hadn't heard of them, so thanks for the link (which is Mankind Project).

By: Luke Roy

Luke Roy — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:43:13 +0000

There is an organization out there that has been initiating men for many years, the Mankind Project, MKP.org I think. They also have a Father and Son weekend and a Boys to Men weekend, among other things, and facilitate the formation of smaller, ongoing groups. This has been a very crucial source of support and mentoring for me in my personal growth journey.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:33:59 +0000

Thanks, Chris. You’re absolutely correct – our priorities are all fouled up. If we really want to change the world, we need to change the environment and influences on children and young adults, not continue our War on (fill in the blank with the latest ‘enemy’).

Cheers!

By: Chris Singer

Chris Singer — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:18:18 +0000

Derek,

This is a great post and I applaud you for starting a conversation that’s been missing in our society, within our families, and within our own lives. I don’t have any answers myself (although I do have strong opinions on the topic), but I do feel that there is a crisis in our society around the idea of “manhood” and the proof of this crisis is in the continuing high levels of male abuse of women and children.

Unless there are men involved in the lives of both boys and girls to model respect, peacefulness, compassion, empathy, etc… this cycle may continue. There are too many kids in foster care, too many kids up for adoption, too many children being raised by television, we can go on and on can’t we?!?

Another way to look at it: look at our country’s funding priorities. Defense spending is out of control. Social services and education are further cut every budget year. Early childhood education is basically ignored – despite all the empirical evidence showing how important a “great start” is in putting children on the right path to becoming good men and women as adults.

Sorry to go on and on, but there are so many facets to this – there’s not enough room here.

Thanks again Derek for starting the conversation. Keep up the good work
.-= Chris Singer´s last blog ..Daddy?!? =-.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:50:11 +0000

Thanks, Jayson. I feel blessed to know you and learn from your mission.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:49:20 +0000

So true, there is always a way. And I love the last paragraph of your post – “And you knew, you just knew all would be safe, protected and well with the world. Because of really good men.”

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:47:39 +0000

I agree, shaving is one of those milestones in a boy’s life. Thanks for reading!

By: Jayson

Jayson — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 14:28:41 +0000

Derek,
Great post—I so agree. The main issue in our culture with men is or course, the lack of conscious initiation practices. I too have a son, now 11 months. I have already introduced him to my tribe of men. When they meet him, I tell him, “this is one of your mentors.” He will have about 12 men to choose from and ever one of them will be a part of a year-long initiation I am designing.

As you know, I am also leading a 6 month journey with grown men and it is an initiation at its core. We’ll see what happens.

Thanks for working on yourself, being the man that you are, and even asking this question. Your son already has so much more than you had and I trust you will continue to guide him toward the kind of men that are needed in this world.

your brother,

Jayson
.-= Jayson´s last blog ..Fear Or Love? =-.

By: Isle Dance

Isle Dance — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 09:26:25 +0000

Oh, this is so important. Thinking about it is definitely a step in the right direction. And this is the age where boys typically want to and/or need to be with their dad (even if they don’t think so). Guys who missed out on this, really missed out – even from a father who was physically there, but not meaningfully engaged. I think a father can be meaningfully engaged, daily, even when they can’t be there physically. There’s always a way.

I’m just realizing my latest post is somewhat linked to this topic…
.-= Isle Dance´s last blog ..Little Barns on the Island =-.

By: DadLogic.Net

DadLogic.Net — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 08:24:54 +0000

I feel there is still an art to learning how to shave your beard that is one of the rites of passage for a young man. The whole process of lathering the soap, cleaning the blade, the methodical process of removing the beard and then the aftershave all add up to a ritual that a father teaches to his son. I remember being on the high school football team and having a competition with a few other guys to see who could grow the best beard by the end of a week. Something about growing a beard and then the ritual of shaving is ingrained in my head as one of those activities that separate the men from the boys.

I enjoyed the post. Looking forward to the next update.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 05:02:07 +0000

Thanks, Leslie – I appreciate that you put ‘peace’ as something to empower in your son. We need more strong peaceful men.

Cheers-

By: Leslie Gabriel

Leslie Gabriel — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 04:39:17 +0000

Hi Derek,

I have an 10 year old son – and thanks for bring this important topic up. He will be 11 soon.

In my world – I am interested in having him be ready, willing and able – to achieve – to find his own center – his creativity – his ability to see himself fully – bringing strength and peace to his world and his life.

Thanks for all you do.

Truly,
Leslie Gabriel