Comments on: Fatherhood: 100 Ways to be a Better Father

By: Troy

Troy — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 05:50:09 +0000

Thank you for putting such a list together. I have been feeling for some time that I’m dropping the ball with raising my daughter but just couldn’t grasp what I’m missing. I have been making improvements for some time but was in need of some guidance. This list gives me so much to work with.

God bless. and thank you again.

By: Chris Taylor

Chris Taylor — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 15:29:38 +0000

Derek,
First of all, Thank you for creating this list. As a father of a 9 year old girl and 3 year old twin boys I am always looking for new ways to become a better father.
I do however feel the need to comment on other people who feel the need to make comments like you are “sexist” and how some of the suggestions you make would not be on a “moms” list. Correct me if I am wrong but I believe you made the list to help other fathers be better fathers. I am actually a stay at home dad and some of the points made would not apply since I already do most of those things. My wife works and I know that making a meal once in awhile would apply to her.
My point being is that it frustrates me that when someone tries to do something nice and help others there are people out there you feel the need to criticize/correct. I loved the way you responded to those replies. It tells me a lot about your character by how you apologized (which obviously you need not do)and addressed/answered their concern in a very “pc” tone. What ever happened to “if you dont have something nice to say” advice.

By: AJ

AJ — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 22:30:23 +0000

I was in the same boat as Antonio. My Dad left when I was 2. I find it most rewarding to watch my daughter involve herself in what ever, then try to take part in her interests. I often ask if she would like to try what I like. I’ve managed to get her interested in Golf (at 3 yrs.) and is now something we can do together (at 8 yrs old). She still has a liking for miniature golf (sigh), so we just have to make time for that instead of the real deal. I also think Lego’s and puzzles(oddly) let us know who we are to each-other. Hours of working through a project together is one way to learn a person. Much like doing a home remodel with your wife. What you didn’t know, you soon will.. 8^)
I do stick to conformity and my patience are thin. I try to forgive myself for my failures as a father. I do know one thing though. As long as we both wake up in the morning, I get another chance to do better… I am often overwhelmed by how much energy and how inquisitive kids can be. It wears me down. Enough is NEVER enough and NO seems to have 2 silent letters. It is what it is and we’re in it for the long haul. Remember how cool it was to be a care free kid? Our reward is, we get to provide that feeling for them almost everyday…

Rock on, Dads…

By: wrk

wrk — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 03:54:08 +0000

Let your past behind,but learn from your mistakes; Live for today, you may miss something; Pray for your future, tomorrow may never come.

By: Antonio

Antonio — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 12:48:37 +0000

i am having a hard time being a good father. I dont know what the problem may be but there is something that im lacking and i cant seem to put my hands on it. I had kids at an early age so its kind of hard to really be a father. To make a long story short i need some fatherly tips from a father that i never got growing up. Also this list is pretty impressive and i will try some of these things out.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 15:20:53 +0000

Sorry you took it that way. I wrote this assuming that some of us do some of these, and that if you start doing any of these, it will add to your father factor. (And I know plenty of dads who never cook for the family, so if they begin to, it’s a step up.)

By: Andrew Riley

Andrew Riley — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 03:32:29 +0000

I like many of the suggestions here. But some of your assumptions are a little sexist. I mean “make a meal for your family”. There are lots of us guys who prepare most meals these days – myself included. I cook 95% of the meals in my house. Still I cut and pasted many of your suggestions.

By: Bobby Walker

Bobby Walker — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 18:57:52 +0000

I do #23 quite a bit. My wife, duaghter and I have a conversation about once a month where we tell one thing the other person does that we love and the one thing we would change if we could.

The rule is there are no hurt feelings or being hurtful and being able to talk about and adjust each other’s habbits has made my family a wonderful center for our lives to orbit.

Ps.. Grow a beard ha. My beard grows so quickly that I sometimes let my daughter pick what I wear that week. Gotee, soul patch, side burns, beard or mustache.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 19:23:08 +0000

Thanks, Amy! I like the way you put it: “it’s only oppression if the person feels oppressed. Otherwise it’s a mutual agreement in a symbiotic relationship.”

Our marriage works for us, but different folks have different needs. Thanks for the reminder!

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 19:03:22 +0000

I realize this is an older post but I just have to say, to those that may judge or ‘accuse’ Derek of being a ‘stereotypical 1950′s dad’, if that’s what works for their family, who are you to judge? One of my favourite quotes about feminism is from my mother – she always said, “Sure, I’m a feminist, I do what I want to.” I’m a pretty fiery and independent woman (my husband would agree). I’ve always worked in a male dominated field (construction management) and can certainly hold my own with the boys. We now have a baby and I’m on maternity leave (1 year in Canada). Before our son was born I thought I wouldn’t mind to stay home but if we couldn’t afford it I’d go back to work. Now that he’s here I cry at even the thought of leaving him with someone else. My husband and I are trying very hard to adjust our lifestyle and budget as well as find ways to derive a little extra income here and there to make it possible for me to stay home with our child(ren). Since starting maternity leave I’ve assumed that if I’m home I can pick up the majority of the housework, including making dinner most days. This doesn’t mean my husband is/would be exempt from doing anything at all around the house, it just means I ‘work’ in the home and he ‘works’ at his job all day. Then we share the rest of the responsibilities. For example, he does all the yard work, vehicle maintenance, etc. and I look after cooking, cleaning and all the laundry but his (which he has always done for himself, bless his heart).

I guess my (somewhat longwinded) point here is that it’s only oppression if the person feels oppressed. Otherwise it’s a mutual agreement in a symbiotic relationship. Sometimes the partners can switch roles but generally they have tasks they’re both responsible to complete. For me, feeling like I would HAVE to return to work would be oppression. For the next woman, staying home might be. Lastly, this is a blog about being a DAD, not about being a MOM.

By: Arohan

Arohan — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 19:17:19 +0000

Looks like you have touched on all the important aspects of fatherhood. Being a new father myself (well for last 3 years but still learning something new every day), I am constantly amazed at how my boys respond to whatever I am feeling inside. And every time they tell me ‘Daddy I want to be big and strong like you’ a little of that rubs off and makes me smile and gives me strength to keep working towards my dreams.

By: goofdad

goofdad — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:54:35 +0000

I have to say I found myself in almost all of these points. This is a great list. I'm glad I found you through the Daddy Blog Reviews! .-= goofdad´s last blog ..Bees! =-.

By: Mocha Dad

Mocha Dad — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 19:59:21 +0000

Great list. I will share it with my readers. .-= Mocha Dad´s last blog ..Parenting By the Book or By Instinct =-.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 16:05:00 +0000

Thanks, Servanda. I’m glad you got something from that post, and I appreciate your kind words!

Cheers!

By: Servanda

Servanda — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:46:29 +0000

I just wanted to say that so far, I am loving these articles. Not really your target audience, I’m a 22 year old young woman – but I DO have a father!

Despite not being male and in turn, not needing to be manly, I read your article ‘Advice to Myself as a Young Man’ and I nearly cried when I read about following your dreams, and not others. My WHOLE damn life I’ve been trying to find a way to put my art on the back burner what I learn something more lucrative. So while I gobbled up all the art classes I could in high school, I went into accounting my freshman year of college and almost immediately dropped out. It’s funny how it takes an article about manliness and fatherhood to wake up a 22 year old girl.

Thank you thank you, for re-inspiring me.

Servanda

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:41:09 +0000

Andrew –

Thanks for reading, and thanks for sharing your experience with us.

My advice? Be her friend first, and make sure she’s getting what she needs from you – a kind word, a snuggle, a feeling of safety and security. It may take a big effort from you to turn things around, but children can be pretty forgiving (unlike us adults sometimes). As dads, we need to remember that our voices and body language are much different from a mother’s, and we might need to ‘take it down a notch’ when interacting with kids.

Cheers

By: Andrew T. Harvey

Andrew T. Harvey — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:13:18 +0000

Derek:

Thanks for giving me a wakeup call bigtime on my wife and family. I am new to the whole parenting thing. This made me realize how special my family is to me. I cried my eyes out when I read those 100 ways to be a good dad. I have yelled at my daughter like the way my dad would yell at me and it made me cry a lot. Now my daughter will not even stay with me while her mom is at work. How could I ask her for a second chance and not yelling at her and make this a positive change in my life?

Thanks.

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:03:49 +0000

For most men, that would be a huge start, though. And I would love it if mom gave me a day off once in a while

By: Kristin

Kristin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:59:55 +0000

I’m not encouraging you to generate controversy although it would definitely be interesting! Just making a point that some of these DO sound like you’re a stereotypical 1950s guy who makes all the money while mom does all the housework. I know from other posts this is not true, though! I just think it shouldn’t be a “surprise” to your kids that dad is capable of preparing a meal – dads are grownups, and all grownups should be able to cook decent and healthy food.

Giving mom the day off “once in a while” is probably the worst one, which is why I didn’t even TRY to address that one

By: Derek Markham

Derek Markham — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:58:52 +0000

Kristen – To be honest, I’ve not seen a list like this for mothers – perhaps it would say that, what with more moms working outside the home than ever before. And yes, I started Natural Papa because I saw so many mom blogs and wanted to contrast what they are writing about, so it will always lean toward the father’s viewpoint. Is there a “100 Ways” list for mothers?

I wrote this from a (stereotypical) dad’s point of view, because in my house, I’ve been the sole wage-earner so that my wife would not have to work outside the home. She enjoys it, though I know there are moms who may want to work out, and not be home raising the children.

I did try to include things like “Work on improving your relationship with your wife or partner.” “Parenting is a shared responsibility. Jump in and do something mom normally does.” “Show your wife respect always. Make sure your kids do also.” “Give mom the day off once in a while, and get the kids to help you pamper her.”

I had considered writing a “100 Ways to be a Better Mother” post, just for the controversy it would generate, as a man would be writing it. If I do, I’ll try to use your comments as a guide. Thanks for reading.